My 13 Y/O Daughter :(

[mlrb]

I would like to hear from other parents who have kids who suffer with anxiety and who have overcome. I'm so sad that my poor, little daughter, who is only 13 years old is just like me. She has anxiety and panic attacks. I feel so bad, like it's my fault, but I know I didn't cause it, it's genetic. She is so afraid of throwing up. I always knew she was going to have anxiety since she was really little. She would always have problems with her stomach, like panic about throwing up. Now, she is really scared about it. I introduced her to this program, and she is now on lesson 4. It seems so unfair for a young girl to suffer with this. I would any day suffer my whole life for her if I could. She seems to be doing OK, she listens to the relaxation tape, and does her homework, and we have talks about what anxiety is. I also told her how important it is to take care of her health, and how making healthy choices in what she eats affects how she will feel mentally. Well, now, she only eats healthy (been over a month now), and won't touch any white bread, rice etc....and won't drink soda, eat candy or have any sweets. I think that's great, but there are a few times where she gets scared, and panics thinking she ate un-healthy, and is going to panic and throw up. I tell her, OK, let's do something to take your mind off of it, let's color, or play a game, or just gossip about the kids at school, and it ALWAYS works, but I'm just worried that she's going to be like that forever. Do you think she'll get over it? I don't want her to grow up like me and become agoraphobic. I'm working on my anxiety and finally in YEARS starting to do things I have always wanted to do. I'm just worried about her. I guess if I keep doing what I'm doing and she listens to the tapes, she'll be OK. Does anyone else have kids that went through this and over came their fears? I would like to hear from other parents. Oh just to let you know, she is doing better, it's just when she eats sometimes, she gets scared. Her self esteem is going up because she's lost weight since she started eating healthy and is looking so beautiful. Not that she wasn't before, but you know. OK, I talked enough. Please write back if you're familiar with my situation.
Melanie

[AMc]

Hi Mlrb:
I know how hard it can be to see our children suffer from anxiety. I've done alot of work myself over the years and I know, unfortunately that this disorder definitly has a genitic link. I'm certain my father must have suffered from aniety, negative thinking, low self esteem, etc. but didn't have the tools we have to turn things around. I recognized it in myself, many years ago and sought help. I was able to start doing things gradually that I had previously been 'unable' to do. I began to live! We had our two kids and fast forward 17 years and here we are. I've begun to recognize anxiety in both my kids. I think my daughter (the oldest) may be ready to start the program. My son, well I don't know if he is ready. he is stubborn, like his mom. I recognize his short temper and his frustration as part of his anxiety. Looking back both me and my kids exhibited symptoms of anxiety at young ages. It does make me feel sad too, but I also feel confident and reassured that with the proper tools (e.g.the Combatting Stress and Depression Program program)that our children will acquire the skills they need to help them face their fears. They will know what anxiety is, recognize it and their negative thoughts and with practice, begin to think positively - dowsing the anxiety. They will be way ahead of us - thanks to us. I also think adolesence is a very challenging time in our lives. It sounds like, you have already begun to do some great work with your daughter! Eating healthy, getting enough sleep, relaxation and distraction are all such important tools. What does she say to herself when she begins to feel like she is going to be sick?

I think you are on the right track. I think your daughter is lucky to have you for her mom. I'm looking forward to seeing positive changes in my daughter and felt encouraged when I read about your experience. Thanks!

[Jannacle]

Both my oldest son and youngest daughter have tendencies toward anxiety. They are resonding well to the program. I had my first panic attack when I was about 12 or 13. I never told anyone what was going on. I just fought it alone. I wish I'd had the resources she has and a parent who could understand. I know she can overcome this as a child even more easily than we are as adults because she is still growing and doesn't have the years of behaviors to unlearn that we do. I'm pulling for you both.

[debster]

I think you are doing a great thing by working with her now. I have probably had depression and anxiety since 7. Both my parents had it and my dad attempted suicide 2 or 3 times before he succeeded when I was 25. My mom would be in such deep depression she would sleep on the pull out couch in the basement for days and wouldn't make us any food (starting when I was 7 or 8). Looking back, I would have liked someone to try to have helped me. But everything turns out for a reason.
I think you just stay with her on it. 13yo can certainly be resistant to things. I have a 13 yo daughter too. I wouldn't be too in her face about it. Staying upbeat, distracting like you are doing and working on the coping skills needed. I think it would be hard for us to know how they are feeling with their recovery since they have the hormones and the peer influences going on.
Keep us posted on how things are going

Deb

[hockeymom7]

It is tremendously hard to see your own reflection in your kids pain, isn't it? My 15 year old son went through explosions of anxiety (for the first time) with an overload of assignments and tests and it lasted an entire week. His increase in anxiety both triggered my anxiety and the push to purchase and start this program right away. I don't want him to suffer for the next 30 years and hide in the anxiety as I have. I was surprised to hear so many of the testimonials of this program state that even though there was indications of anxiety as a small child, the main trigger that started it all seems to happen around teenage - young adult times in their lives.

I always thought mine was related to a bad childhood and watching my son go through this really gives me the push to stick with it and master the tools to help us both.

When I pointed out to my son that I noticed the relation of high sugar foods peaking his anxiety, he became a bit panicky about food. He is an athlete and already has amazing natural eating habits. I was reminded that his immaturity may not handle all information/direction of this program as we would. I now talk about what he should have (ie: protein really helps him) when I have an intuition that he may have other anxiety triggers instead of what he shouldn't do or have. This approach seems to balance him much faster.

I agree with Deb - we need to help each other help our teens. We can do this!
--Cheryl

[Don57]

Hi Melanie,

My perspective comes from having been a child of a Mom who had moderate to severe anxiety and from being a Dad of a 23 year old son.

I don't share your opinion that anxiety/panic is genetic. Perhaps some of it is due to genes as far as being more susceptible to anxiety or depression, but I personally believe it is our thoughts which create our emotional state for the most part. This may sound like it's out of the twilight zone, but I think that our thoughts are carried in our genes. I think that's how some of us are more susceptible to anxiety and depression. Thinking can literally cause chemical changes in our genes. It only takes one generation to change the thinking and the genes change also. That's my theory.

I think most of it is environmental though, what we are exposed to. I was a sickly kid, upset stomach some, constipation some, vomiting at times, fearful at times, etc. I missed several days of school a year from first through eighth grade. I'd watch scary movies and have nightmares afterward. I was simply afraid to be who I was, to be my self. I loved sports. In high school I had the privilege of playing for and being coached by a man who I will always love. He taught me to believe in myself. For two years I grew as an adolescent under his leadership. At the end of those two years we had achieved what to me was unbelievable. We were in the big dance, the championship game for state in my school's class. We lost, but still we had achieved something beyond my wildest dreams. The Mama's boy, the chicken, had grown into a man. I didn't miss a day of school due to sickness my last three years in high school.

I told my Mother that we were going to state early in the season. She doubted me. I can't tell you the power a parent has over a child. That hurt, but it didn't stop me from believing in the impossible because of my coach. After the season was over I was selected to attend Boy's State. It's a program for promising high school junior men and women to attend for a week to teach them how to become leaders in the political arena. My senior year I was president of my school's national honor society. In college I went through R.O.T.C. and was chosen as one of three juniors to receive the program's highest award, Distinguised Military Student.

After college it's been anti-climactic. I haven't achieved what I wanted to due to depression primarily. I simply didn't know how to think and handle stress. So, I received my 15 mintues of fame early in my life instead of later although I'm trying again with about 4 minutes left in the last quarter.

I never remember my parents repeatedly saying they believed in me, pointing out specific instances, etc. They simply didn't know how to parent, in my opinion. They were loving parents just like I was, but didn't have a clue how to raise a child. And neither did I.

All the time my son was growing up I was reading books on how to parent. I felt so inadequate after reading these books. I could never be what the books expected. I had been hired to be controller (chief accounting manager)of a small publicly held corporation and the job didn't work out. I lost most of the self esteem I had for close to 20 years. I dropped out of accounting during that time. It's during this time that my son was born and grew up. All I knew to do was spend time with him, encourage him, and love him. That is what I felt was missing in my own childhood. So, that's what I did.

My son had a difficult time in kindergarten. He was afraid of the owner of the school. He suffered severe depression and anxiety due to this. He cried a lot the whole year. He was also fearful of large dogs as a child. He was not good at making friends because Dad was not good at making friends.

But, he had a very loving Mom who always believed in him and taught him how to solve problems through her own example. She's the most healthy person emotionally and mentally I have ever known. When he was small I spent time with him just playing with him, building blocks, being a horsee he could ride, taking him to feed the ducks at a park, fishing on occasion. Later it was building legos with him, playing Nintendo with him, going swimming in the summertime with him at the park pool, riding bikes with him. AT seven he started little league baseball and I spent time with him doing that through age 11. At eight I built a basketball goal for him. At nine he began playing YMCA basketball. We probably spent between 1,000 and 2,000 hours playing sandlot basketball from the time he was 8 to 16.

He encountered some tough challenges growing up, but he got through them and finished high school as an honor student and member of the national honor society. He also encountered some tough challenges in college and I wondered if he would be able to graduate. It took him five years, but he graduated last year with a 3.35 GPA. Just .05 points below cum laude. He's now finishing his first year in a masters program and is a teaching assistant at the college. This job pays him enough that we don't have to support him at all. He's grown tremendously emotionally since high school.

What I see through all of this is that self esteem is the key ingredient in whether a person becomes successful in life. Our thinking is the primary determinant as to whether we have healthy self esteem or lack it and whether we think we can achieve or do something.

What I believe worked with my son is first and foremost my wife and her unconditional love for him. Second, I think that the time I spent with him from toddler hood through his high school years paid off also. It communicated to him that he counted, that he was important, that he had worth. It didn't matter that I wasn't a big whig with a high paying job.

The bottom line is do the best you know how and love your child unconditionally. You do that and no matter how it turns out, you will know you did the very best you could. Believe in her, seek specific examples of things she has done well, problems she has solved. Tell her she is intelligent, pretty, talented, very capable, etc. I still do this to my son and always will. Begin to cut the apron strings gradually. Give her more and more independence to solve her own problems the older she gets.

Work on yourself with the program. It has some excellent coping skills that I have learned and practice now. I wish I had known about the program when I was in my twenties. No telling where I would be now. Be encouraged! There is a way and you can find it. There is a lot of help in the program and other resources which can help anyone develop and mature into healthy, functioning adults.