I know this is long but PLEASE READ!
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I've been going through depression ever since I was a child and for the past 2 years have been going through panic attacks. They've always been a problem to me and my family but NOW things have seriously gone worse.
I am 22 and my sister has just turned 13 a couple of weeks ago. (quick update) She has lived a very sheltered life (home-schooled, restricted in tv channels to watch for a lot of the content on tv is inappropriate and sometimes vulgar). We basically wanted to shelter her from that until she has gotten a good sense of herself first without being easily influenced by society as so many kids are these days.
She's a very smart girl and DOES have a good head on her shoulders...well, that is what I had thought until I had realized she had been chatting to a pedifile she met on a Pokemon website... basically he told her to click on his website on deviantART to see his comics. (she is allowed on deviant but she knows she cannot click on the mature grayed out restricted pictures) well, guess what? his 'comics' were restricted.
It contained him (an 18 yr ols man) drawing completly nude kids showing EVERY nook and cranny. He kept telling her that "It's all natural, that's what God wanted us to be in the first place. It's ok." etc. Eventually he asked her "so you like my comics huh?...how about i put you in it, can you give me your REAL NAME, and what you look like, i just want to draw you as ACCURATELY as I can." At this point in time she was only 12 yrs old then and he KNEW this.
We had no clue about this until I happend to (snoop) through her account and find the messages.
Later on I recalled that a previous time she was asking me "Hey, one of my friends asked if they could put me in their comic." She negleted to say that she would be nude. She didn't even have the birds and the bees talk yet, and evidently she was getting a lot of information from this guy. I said "oh they want to draw your fan character and put you in their comic, that's cool." (she and her other friends draw themselves as animals that could be in the sonic cartoons.) so that's what i thought she was talking about.
Of course once I found this out I reported the info to our mother. Did my sister get in trouble? No she didn't. To make details short my mom gave my sister the "red flag" talk on people on the internet, what info is ok to give, what not to give. What sounds fishy and inapproprate etc. and "the BASICS of the birds and the bees".
Fast forwarding - the guy doesn't speak to her anymore... we got online and told him off... he then threatened us and pretty much showed us that he was a nut (saying his ancestors murdered villages etc. and it's on his blood, give him a sword and he'll use it, etc.)... but eventually he stopped coming around.
For the record, my sister has a problem cutting people off. She's waaay too nice on the internet. We gave her space for her to make her own decision to leave this guy alone or not (of course as long as the dialog is no where near personal info or his manipulating preaching beliefs) after her talk with mom. And guess what? She still talked with him.
What she does is, when someone makes her uncomfortable she just gives them 1 word answers and changes the subject. And keeps dog that til they get tired and just leave. She doesn't like conflict, so that is what she did with this guy. (I do not understand what she didn't just drop this guy completely and immediately, but seeing her actions... it makes me worry about her in the future...in relationships and friendships...)
She hasn't gone through life and gotten it's scars and life lessons. So i guess if she goes through it on the internet, by the time she goes on in life she'll be prepared.
Of course I've been going through my internal problems for a looooong time now but this event put me through the roof.
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My next problem... my mom.
Since this event I've been losing my sanity. I am a worry wart and I have this desperate need for my mother to give my sister more info on the birds and the bees, risks, etc. Of course now that we know my sister is curious and interested on the topic I feel better if she learned that info from US than getting that info from the internet, and her internet friends. I have evidence that she already has been searching for info. I would like all info that's age appropiate to be known as soon as possible before we are behind. My mother says that she will get to it but I'm worried she will drag and take her time. I asked her when will the lesson be and what about so we could be on the same page.
My sister and I don't really have that bonded relationship and I WANT that. She instead sees me as a 2nd mother. I want her to be able to come to me freely to ask about anything, and I can't freely speak about her curiousity without her knowing the info first.
Having my panic attacks on the topic I continously verbally express my concerns (which also consisted me urging to speak of it soon, how i think she could go about it, me possibly over-analyzing, etc) to my mother to ease my mind and frustrations but yesterday she had, had it. And blew up in my face. Pretty much saying that I need to "know my place, i am not my sisters mother, don't judge me(mom) and what i do, don't check up on me." and she included that i was being sarcastic in the conversation (when in my oppinion I wasn't).
We haven't talked since, and the atmosphere is very cold.
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Today - I found more info on my sis giving private info out but i can't say anything about it since my mom told her that "we trust your judgement and from now on we will not snoop anymore." and me and mom are not talking to each other because of previous conflicts so i cannot ease my mind.
Later on - my sister gets ticked at me on our walk because I told her she was waaaay too close to the street (so close she could've easily gotten hit in a speeding zone), and you know how those newly teens are, you can't tell them anything without them huffing and puffing.
That was the last straw. (In my head) I said screw it! I've had it with the both of them, I can't take this anymore. I have my own personal problems to deal with. Coldness is coming from the both of them. I know I need to get my head together, but I personally think I'm thinking logical in this situation. But with them constantly being so ticked at me I guess the numbers say it all. I am probably the problem. I don't have a "safe place" anymore to work out my problems and no one to turn to for support. I don't want to cause my family more stress and vice versa, so I moved into the car for the night for I don't trust myself to drive and I have no money for a hotel retreat. I only came back in the house to post on the board.
It feels much better now that I've gotten it all out.
I'm in DESPERATE help with my mom and newly teenaged sister!
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Guest
amazonwarrior-I am sorry about all the stuff that is going on. You need to concern yourself right now with yourself. In regards to your sister, just let her know you are there and you only want to help her if she needs it. Also it would be good if you stop snooping on her. It is your Mom's job. Also you should tell your Mom your sorry and that you are only trying to help. You need to let go and let your Mom worry or not worry. Your taking on stuff you do not need to. I hope this helps. Wolverine
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Guest
Hi AmazonWarrior,
First of all, I'm sorry for how you are feeling right now. But, make no mistake about it, you did the right thing here. There is a huge difference between snooping and looking out for the welfare of a child. Your sister, as you said has been sheltered, and has no idea of the consequences of her actions regarding using the internet and speaking inappropriately with sick people. Your Mom should be "snooping" regularly and letting your sister know what she finds on the computer. If your sister insists on speaking with these people and giving out personal info, she should be banned from using it. It's plain and simple, she is a child and an adult in the household, preferably your Mom, MUST interfere and put a stop to this behavior. Apparently, your Mom is either in denial, or not taking this seriously enough. Believe me, you don't want your sister to be another tragic statistic. If she keeps doing what she is doing, she is headed for much trouble.
I understand how much anxiety this must be causing you because your Mom is not taking control of this situation, and I know you want to keep peace in the household, but I can't stress enough how dangerous this behavior is.
You do need to keep working on getting yourself better and stronger, but the concerns you have here are legitimate.
Perhaps you could sit down with your Mom and speak calmly to her about the dangers associated with this.
I hope and pray that she will understand that your concerns are appropriate and that she will take action to stop your sister from speaking with these people on the internet. Your sister's curiosity about sex is very normal for a girl her age and she should be well informed regarding this by your Mom. However, her interest in going to sites on the internet to gather information, is absolutely off limits and needs to be addressed immediately.
My intention is not to be too harsh with you as I realize you are in a tough spot and you worry enough without this problem adding to it, but this is a serious issue.
Please remember you can learn to control your anxiety. I don't know if you have the program from StressCenter.com, but I hope if you don't, you will get it. It will give you the tools necessary to get well. As far as the issues you have brought up in your post, it seems that even someone without anxiety issues, would be stressed from them.
I wish you the best in this matter and pray that your Mom realizes the danger that will come to your sister if she does not intervene.
First of all, I'm sorry for how you are feeling right now. But, make no mistake about it, you did the right thing here. There is a huge difference between snooping and looking out for the welfare of a child. Your sister, as you said has been sheltered, and has no idea of the consequences of her actions regarding using the internet and speaking inappropriately with sick people. Your Mom should be "snooping" regularly and letting your sister know what she finds on the computer. If your sister insists on speaking with these people and giving out personal info, she should be banned from using it. It's plain and simple, she is a child and an adult in the household, preferably your Mom, MUST interfere and put a stop to this behavior. Apparently, your Mom is either in denial, or not taking this seriously enough. Believe me, you don't want your sister to be another tragic statistic. If she keeps doing what she is doing, she is headed for much trouble.
I understand how much anxiety this must be causing you because your Mom is not taking control of this situation, and I know you want to keep peace in the household, but I can't stress enough how dangerous this behavior is.
You do need to keep working on getting yourself better and stronger, but the concerns you have here are legitimate.
Perhaps you could sit down with your Mom and speak calmly to her about the dangers associated with this.
I hope and pray that she will understand that your concerns are appropriate and that she will take action to stop your sister from speaking with these people on the internet. Your sister's curiosity about sex is very normal for a girl her age and she should be well informed regarding this by your Mom. However, her interest in going to sites on the internet to gather information, is absolutely off limits and needs to be addressed immediately.
My intention is not to be too harsh with you as I realize you are in a tough spot and you worry enough without this problem adding to it, but this is a serious issue.
Please remember you can learn to control your anxiety. I don't know if you have the program from StressCenter.com, but I hope if you don't, you will get it. It will give you the tools necessary to get well. As far as the issues you have brought up in your post, it seems that even someone without anxiety issues, would be stressed from them.
I wish you the best in this matter and pray that your Mom realizes the danger that will come to your sister if she does not intervene.
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Guest
Yes I do have the program. I've just started session 3.
Thank you Change for your kind words and advice. Since then, my mom and I have talked and now have a better understanding on each other's views. She has informed me that she has been speaking over things with my sister.
Wolverine - I had neglected to say that my mom works 10 hour nights so she's tired has to sleep during the day. She is a single parent, and she doesn't really know her way around the computer. Therefore, I had no choice but to take over that job for her...
And what kind of sister would I be, if I turned my head when I notice my "minor" sister getting into something terribly dangerous.
But thank you as well for your advice.
And for the record I am now out of the car and back in the house again. =)
Thank you Change for your kind words and advice. Since then, my mom and I have talked and now have a better understanding on each other's views. She has informed me that she has been speaking over things with my sister.
Wolverine - I had neglected to say that my mom works 10 hour nights so she's tired has to sleep during the day. She is a single parent, and she doesn't really know her way around the computer. Therefore, I had no choice but to take over that job for her...
And what kind of sister would I be, if I turned my head when I notice my "minor" sister getting into something terribly dangerous.
But thank you as well for your advice.
And for the record I am now out of the car and back in the house again. =)
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New Found Hope
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 11:44 pm
Hi AmazonWarrior,
I'm so glad you and your Mom have worked together on this situation! You both do need to take control so your sister does not put herself in harms way. You are definitely being a terrific, caring older sister and as your sister gets older she will thank you for intervening.
Keep working the program, and you will definitely feel stronger and at peace.
Also, I'm so glad you're out of the car and back into the house!
Take care.
I'm so glad you and your Mom have worked together on this situation! You both do need to take control so your sister does not put herself in harms way. You are definitely being a terrific, caring older sister and as your sister gets older she will thank you for intervening.
Keep working the program, and you will definitely feel stronger and at peace.
Also, I'm so glad you're out of the car and back into the house!
Take care.
"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change -- the Courage to change the things I can -- and the wisdom to know the difference"
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Guest
ok, so it's been a couple of weeks since my issue... i've been working on myself and i feel that i have improved. but for some reason i just can't shake that there's more to this situation. my mother has never ASKED my sister WHY she felt that it would be ok for some unknown grown man to just draw her nude on the internet.
my sister is a very smart girl and from my knowledge she really wouldn't have done this. but she was considering it AND would have if i didn't intervene in time.
i know it's all natural for a girl her age to be curious about nudity and sex and that's completely ok.
which doesn't stress me out that she saw his nude comics and such... heck i was curious too at her age.
but... just the fact that it was going BEYOND LOOKING at the pics to obtain possible knowledge. to it actually being HERSELF and every nook and cranny included within it's contents. for her to actually tell him "hey i look like...and this is the color.... and this is the size of, etc"
THAT is definately not like her and that worries me... because maybe that IS like her... which makes me think she is on the road to being "another tragic statistic" that needs to get off that road immediately.
unfortunately, my mother thinks it's not at that level and that it's "just curiousity, nothing more".
i'm really trying to think on this with a leveled logical head... am i just over-analyzing or is it possible about something else being to this story...?
she doesn't speak with him anymore, and respects boundries and rules. and is completely ok with that.
but just the method of it all? where is the common sense... i just feel like this is a band-aid to something more and we haven't really hit the nail on the head at the root.
my sister is a very smart girl and from my knowledge she really wouldn't have done this. but she was considering it AND would have if i didn't intervene in time.
i know it's all natural for a girl her age to be curious about nudity and sex and that's completely ok.
which doesn't stress me out that she saw his nude comics and such... heck i was curious too at her age.
but... just the fact that it was going BEYOND LOOKING at the pics to obtain possible knowledge. to it actually being HERSELF and every nook and cranny included within it's contents. for her to actually tell him "hey i look like...and this is the color.... and this is the size of, etc"
THAT is definately not like her and that worries me... because maybe that IS like her... which makes me think she is on the road to being "another tragic statistic" that needs to get off that road immediately.
unfortunately, my mother thinks it's not at that level and that it's "just curiousity, nothing more".
i'm really trying to think on this with a leveled logical head... am i just over-analyzing or is it possible about something else being to this story...?
she doesn't speak with him anymore, and respects boundries and rules. and is completely ok with that.
but just the method of it all? where is the common sense... i just feel like this is a band-aid to something more and we haven't really hit the nail on the head at the root.