Jumpy, my condolences. I lost my younger brother in a tragic motorcycle accident when he was 17 and I was 21. That was the traumatic event that started my depression and anxiety.
It affected my mother even more. She NEVER got over it and spent the rest of her life missing her grandkids growing up, going anywhere, or experiencing anything. I was affected as a brother, I couldn't imagine being the parent. She died broken hearted and depressed 20 years later. She never got over it, she could have, but never tried.
I mean this in as gentle a way as I can put it in writing. You need to move on, for your sake, your husband's sake, and everyone around you.
Give yourself permission to be happy, your son would not want you to continue this way. Nobody, no matter how old or young, wants to see people grieve for them forever.
There are so many things to experience and so much for you to do. There are people around you that need you now more than ever, and you need them. You'll laugh again, live again, and maybe cry again, but you'll be living again. It doesn't mean you've forgotten your son or love him any less. Do not have guilt.
I eventually "got over" my brother's death and have moved on, for the sake of myself, my children who never knew him, my family, and everyone else around me. I have fond memories of him that'll I'll always have. I think he'd be happy that I'm happy.
Good luck to you. Stay strong.
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