Problems co-parenting with ex

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tnmom66
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 10:58 pm

Problems co-parenting with ex

Post by tnmom66 » Sun Aug 05, 2012 10:56 pm

I have an ex-husband I am raising 2 teenagers with, and an ex "FWB" (cringing as I write that) I am raising a 3 year old with.

My exH and I are getting along okay. He can be a jerk, but since the kids are bigger, I don't have to deal with him much, and even when they were preschoolers, after the divorce (which was very contentious), I pretty much had total control, and we have had trust and communication and we have a very long history and I am sure that he loves me "in his own way" and I kind of feel safe dealing with him.

On the other hand, my exBF (whom I only was "allowed" to call a BF after I got accidentally pregnant with him), never wanted to be in a long term relationship with me. I got pregnant 3 months after meeting him and I liked him and we were best friends. Had a very open, honest, intimate, and happy relationship (other than his frequent "moods" where he didn't want to see anyone including me). We both know he has struggles with anxiety and depression and he has a serious case of commitmentphobia, but he is unwilling or unable to do anything about it.

He does not want a romantic relationship with me, but we had a pretty cordial "working" relationship until I started dating other men. He doesn't want me, but he doesn't want me to have any other man in my life while our daughter is young. He has finally claimed that is is okay for me to date. His anxiety from commitmentphobia seems to be stronger than his fear of me having another man in my life, but I think it is all fake. I think he knows it is unreasonable for me, as an American woman, to not seek a relationship with a "significant other" if I feel a need or desire for that kind of emotional intimacy and companionship. He is Turkish. He is 40. Never married, no kids till ours. Only a few relationships. Longest was with me, 7 1/2 months, but he dumped me when I was halfway through my pregnancy, but as soon as he saw her 2 hours after my c-section, he wanted to be her father and raise her with me. In the last 4 years, we have been pretty close...I was giving the coparenting relationship a "9" on a 10 point scale. But things feel apart when I started seeing other men. He quit spending time with me and my daughter together, as a family, which he had done since she was born. He said that since I was seeing other men, it would look bad to his friends if any of them saw us together and thought we were a couple, then they saw me with someone else and they would think I was cheating on him. It makes no sense--his friends should know if they are that close to him.

He complains to his sister about me and she told me he hated me and she is starting to hate me, too. I had thought we were getting along okay, but apparently not. He can be very unreasonable and I always want to know "WHY?"

I had a meltdown last week and he is keeping her at my request till I calm down, figure out what to do, and learn some new coping skills. God led me to this program...unused and unopened at a thrift store for $6.99. I am on disability and that and child support is my only income, so money is tight and this was a huge blessing. This program is giving me something to focus on. My therapist and I are having more frequent sessions and he has me on Risperidone to stabilize my moods and help me sleep, and I have not shown him this program, but I am sure he will be as thankful as I am that I have it!

I was thinking at first that I can't bear 15 more years of this attitude from this man. He is not willing to come to see my therapist and, in fact, called the police to see if he could file harrassment charges atainst me for trying to make him do what he didn't want to do after I had INVITED him to come to a counseling session with me to help me figure out what I am doing to make him hate me. He won't say. He just says he doesn't hate me, but he is lying. He oozes animosity out of every pore, but he puts on a happy face when our daughter is around.

I had not talked to him or my daughter since Wednesday (longest ever) but I wanted to test myself and I called him. No real anxiety, but I am DISAPPOINTED, SAD that he does not want to improve the relationship. i think his sister is encouraging him to not be good to me, because she thinks when he is nice, I misunderstand him and think he wants a relationship with me. So, he no longer does "nice" things. He has done a lot for me, because of Dilara, but these last few months have been hard to take.

I really don't think I could or should give up my primary custody and give him all the control, but I also don't think we can work effectively together.

It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that I'm making MYSELF feel this way, but I'm dong all my program exercises and I actually am not hopeless at this point. I hope it isn't just the medicine. I can definitely tell a huge difference in all my feelings, not just stress reactions. I didn't even cry during a sad movie. Not like myself.

Anybody have advice or experience to share?

LauraLL
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2012 11:49 am

Re: Problems co-parenting with ex

Post by LauraLL » Fri Aug 24, 2012 10:20 am

I think too often we worry about that man being in our children's life. Yes kids need a father, but as long as their mother loves them and does her best they'll be alright. Sometimes that man may actually be a bad thing and shouldn't be in there life at all (not saying that's your case. don't know enough about him to know that.). I think you should take care of your daughter the best you can. If he wants to be a part of her life fine. If not, fine. You just need to think more about you and her and not so much about him. That's my opinion.
I was a single mom for almost 10 years. I just got married to a wonderful man on Aug. 3rd who is the best daddy my kids have ever had. They see there father fairly regularly. Like once a week. They have made the comment though that they wish their step-dad was their real dad.
Anyway, I wish you luck and blessings with the program and raising your daughter.

LauraLL
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2012 11:49 am

Re: Problems co-parenting with ex

Post by LauraLL » Fri Aug 24, 2012 10:20 am

I think too often we worry about that man being in our children's life. Yes kids need a father, but as long as their mother loves them and does her best they'll be alright. Sometimes that man may actually be a bad thing and shouldn't be in there life at all (not saying that's your case. don't know enough about him to know that.). I think you should take care of your daughter the best you can. If he wants to be a part of her life fine. If not, fine. You just need to think more about you and her and not so much about him. That's my opinion.
I was a single mom for almost 10 years. I just got married to a wonderful man on Aug. 3rd who is the best daddy my kids have ever had. They see there father fairly regularly. Like once a week. They have made the comment though that they wish their step-dad was their real dad.
Anyway, I wish you luck and blessings with the program and raising your daughter.

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