Won't let it happen to them

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Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Won't let it happen to them

Post by Iwillbebetter » Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:04 pm

part of me going threw the program was because I dont want to pass this on to my kids. I want to be able to teach them differently. Anyway with that I am working on changing many things with them as I go threw the program. One thing I have realized is so very important is self-esteem. If you don't have that you don't have much of anything!! To make the rest work you have to love yourself. I want to build my kids up and make them feel special and loved so this morning as we were all sitting downstairs I decided to have them all repeat after me.... so we all stood and I started.... I AM special, I AM smart, I AM creative, I AM wonderful, I AM helpful, etc.. then for the last one I AM "name" I watched them as we did this and it was so amazing, with each item they said you could just see the glow!! You could almost see how good they felt. So this is something we are going to now do everyday!! My oldest is 11 and I could even see it in him, actually I think he shinned the brightest!!!

Just like I have to now teach myself these skills, because no one taught me, unless someone is there to teach these precious kids, they won't learn either!!
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

Dixiesmom
Posts: 72
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2011 10:03 am

Re: Won't let it happen to them

Post by Dixiesmom » Wed Mar 14, 2012 4:19 pm

I have 3 kids at home with me and one that lives with his dad. The oldest with me is also 11 and I struggle with how to make him see himself in a positive way. He talks down about himself just like I did - and still catch myself doing. I feel that I have passed it on to him. I worry because I agree that self esteem is so important. Thanks for the idea. I will have to continue working on it with him. I hope that I will be able to do better with my younger two who are only 2 and 1 - but the time to start is now while they are young and developing their characters and personalities. Best wishes to you and everyone out there with children struggling to bring them up in a positive way!

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Won't let it happen to them

Post by Iwillbebetter » Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:55 am

Dixiesmom - I can totally understand what you mean. When I look at my oldest especially, I see me... and not the me that a parent wants to see. I have noticed with my son also, it seemed I was "on him"... I commented under his breath not long ago "I always mess up" "Your never happy with me" This was a BIG wake up call for me. I do still have them "repeating after me" now infront of the mirror. But I am not trying to be more cautious in what I "correct" them for. And I am getting a lot better at pointing out the good. I think yesterday I actually told my oldest more of what he did right, than what was done wrong. I am also trying to be more cautious in the way I speak to him and what I say to him when he has done something wrong. And not just letting him know what was wrong, but how he could handle it in a better manner in the future. These are all very recent changes, but so for so good :) I also sat down with him and explained I am going threw these changes. I am working on changing how I deal with them. I let him know that often I feel unappreciated and will also be working to change that. An example I used was taking the kids to chucky cheese, I take the time to take them, spend my hard earned money, etc... Then by the time its time to go instead of "thank you mom" or any appreciation... I get attitude because we can't stay longer, not enough money was given etc... I told him he may think I am a B*&^% for a little while, but before long it will get better and we will be a happier family because of it. I think the "happier family" sold him. I try to practice as they say with the assertiveness and use I messages and not pointing the finger in you did this and you did that.
And best of luck to you as well :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

Dixiesmom
Posts: 72
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2011 10:03 am

Re: Won't let it happen to them

Post by Dixiesmom » Mon Mar 19, 2012 2:32 pm

You hit EVERYTHING on the head!! That is almost EXACTLY the way I feel and do things as well. I guess maybe I expect more out of my 11 year old because he is the oldest - but I constantly try to remind myself that he is still a child. I notice, especially when I'm tired, that I get onto him about what he did or didn't do or how he did something. I need to work on building him up and focusing on the positive and good things he does. He often comments that he isn't good enough. I see me in him so much - how I always felt not good enough or what I did wasn't good enough. I know that he must feel that way at least in part because of me and how I focus on the stuff done wrong instead of what was done right and building him up.
I also feel that he doesn't appreciate what I try to do for him or what I can do for him. For instance, he gets a VERY SMALL allowance, but he has to do certains things outside of his normal chores to earn it. He feels that it's not enough and has often decided not to do the work to earn the money. I WISH that I could give him more, but I am doing what we can afford. And, as is typical with kids, they all want the expensive clothing and shoes that are in style. Unfortunately, I can't afford most of it. We shop at consignment shops and the other items I have to put a cap on what I can spend. Usually, he isn't happy that he can't get exactly what he wants. In a way it makes me feel (or should I say that I let it make me feel?) not good enough as a parent and unappreciated for what I am able to do.

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Won't let it happen to them

Post by Iwillbebetter » Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:07 pm

I always expect more out of my 11 year old also. He has always had a way of "acting older" a lot of the times, so I think sometimes I forget he is only 11, so I am trying to constantly remind myself of that when he does things "an 11 year old would do"... :)
Dixiesmom wrote:I know that he must feel that way at least in part because of me and how I focus on the stuff done wrong instead of what was done right and building him up.
I feel the same way, which is why I am not going to allow myself to do it to him anymore!! I have always wanted more/better for my kids and it's time to start doing/giving it. :) :)
Dixiesmom wrote: I also feel that he doesn't appreciate what I try to do for him or what I can do for him.
I feel the same, I think it makes it even harder when they have friends that get this and get that...
funny my son use to get allowance for his chores, but he never seems to remember to do them, and we have always had issues with that, so we took it away over a year ago and told him once he can start doing them without us having to tell him and remind him he can get it back... he doesn't seem to have the "desire"
I think as hard as it is, with those things (cloths and all) we just have to remember and keep telling ourselves we are doing the best we can for them, but we can't kill ourselves to keep them happy. I have started with my son sometimes when he has issues with that, I kindly let him know by law, I am only REQUIRED to provide him cloths, not designer cloths, just cloths... food and shelter!! NOTHING MORE!! The toys, games, bikes, balls, etc... those are all extras, those are the things I CHOSE to provide for you, but by no means do I have to, and if you are not going to appreciate it, maybe I should go back to the basics of what I am required to do.... He was very surprised by that. He of course didn't realize all I really had to do for him was the nessesities. I think that was a little of a wake up call for him.
After I am finished with the program, I will focus more on my "parenting" as I know there are things I need to change in regards to that, but I know the only way to start is to work on me, and make the changes with in me that I need to make!! :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

Dixiesmom
Posts: 72
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2011 10:03 am

Re: Won't let it happen to them

Post by Dixiesmom » Sun Mar 25, 2012 2:02 pm

I hope that by working on ourselves, we will also become better parents. My focus is on improving myself, but as I do so, I hope to be able to pass some of that on to my childen! I guess our 11 yr. olds are also becoming pre-teens and along with that comes that teen attitude. I only hope that I can learn to address and appropriately deal with that phase of life! Anyone with any experience, please help!!!!
Hope to keep in touch with you during this journey that we are making. Best of luck!

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Won't let it happen to them

Post by Iwillbebetter » Sun Mar 25, 2012 2:40 pm

I beleive the only way to become better parents is to work on ourselves!! :) I think this helps in so many ways. I know I have been pretty open with my son in letting him know I am working on myself and working on changing the negative things. I think that alone speaks in volumes to him!! I also beleive this because, really how can we teach our kids what we do not yet know!! As far as of life and emotions, I don't know much and don't really want to pass on what I do know, as deep down, I've always known it's not correct. :)

Yes the pre-teens are here for me that's for sure and the attitude that comes along with it. I try to keep in mind (which can be easier said than done) to speak to him in the way I would want to be spoken to (I can have a temper at times...) Keeping calm and cool is very hard for me, especially when he starts at the mouth.... But I am learning and will continue to learn, that's all we can do!! :)

I agree if ANYONE has suggestions to dealing with pre-teens my ears are WIDE open!!! :)

Yes I would love to keep in touch!! :) :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

charlotte1
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:16 am

Re: Won't let it happen to them

Post by charlotte1 » Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:28 am

I don't know if this forum is very active, but I would love support. I just joined and I have three toddlers. It is so difficult (they are all still in diapers). I have had anxiety since I was a young child and have tried hard to manage it through the years. pregnancy, young children, working, etc., has pushed me to the edge. I don't want my girls to struggle like I did. I am having such difficulty enjoying my time with them, constantly worrying and wondering how other women do this and make it look so easy.

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