Using my kids

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Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Using my kids

Post by Iwillbebetter » Mon Dec 05, 2011 8:15 am

I know this is something I need to do for me. I have never been truly happy. I have lived my whole life this way. Now I look at my amazing, beautiful, wonderful gifts of life and see "me". Most people would be proud of this, but the me I am right now is NOT the me I want them to be!!! I don't want them to float threw life as I did. Wondering what was wrong with me. Why I was so different from everyone else. etc...
So I use my kids. When I start to 2nd guess the program. Or feel like maybe I just can't do it, maybe I'm destined to be this way. This is when I use my kids. They are so amazingly observant. They learn so much from you even when you are not trying to teach them. I know I need to get better so I can teach them a better way of life. I don't want to teach them to be anxious. I don't want to teach them to be depressed or be part of the cause!!!
I love my children and as I deserve to be a better person, they also deserve to have me as a better person

*** Children know no evil, no wrong, they don't judge, they are simply perfect in everyway!! **
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

CautiousKat
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:39 am

Re: Using my kids

Post by CautiousKat » Tue Dec 13, 2011 10:35 am

Sorry it took so long to respond to your post. You sound exactly like me, which is why I am trying so hard to work through my anxiety and be there for them. I have always loved my kids more than life, but so many times I let the anxiety dictate what I would and wouldn't do and missed things I regret. I have also "floated through life," taking the easy road instead of challenging myself--mainly due to lack of self esteem and social anxiety issues. I also have the same feeling as you described as far as feeling different from everyone else. I have felt that way my whole life. You sound like a wonderful, caring mother, and I know your children must love you unconditionally. Let them be your motivation to finally free yourself to be what you want to be! Our kids are the best motivators in the world. I know mine really help me tremendously to push through tough times. You can do it! I'm cheering you on!

Kathy

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Using my kids

Post by Iwillbebetter » Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:30 pm

Kathy, first I must say thank you
You sound like a wonderful, caring mother, and I know your children must love you unconditionally.
Deep down I know this to be true, but it's always been a struggle to believe. As deep down I know I have deprived them of so much to. But hearing always helps and actually gets me thinking of the many things I have done for them that are good. And all the compliments I have gotten what good children they are. And how much I must work with them, as they are all so very smart. (I love teaching them, especially at such a young age, they can learn so much)
Yes that is a lot of it for me lack of self-esteem, which I think leads to the social issues!! which I've always had also.... I remember moving here to MN when I was 16 years old. I managed to find a group of kids to hang out with, but I would go over sit with them, and just observe and listen, never saying anything. I never knew what to say, and what sure whatever I said would somehow be wrong, ignorant, etc. It was even pointed out to me a few times how I never spoke. It was around a year I think even a litte over before I started coming around and actually joining in conversations, but that was always still very limited.
Over the years I've managed to in one way or another push anyone away. I really only have one close friend whom is about 3 hours away from me, my mother and my sister. Both whom I've hid everything from, I've always been VERY good at that. No matter how I am feeling inside, I can always wear a smile. People have commented many times at how I can always stay so happy no matter what is going on, if only they knew....
I appreciate your support, I'm starting to finally believe I can do it!! Even though I can see it, it can still be hard to beleive.
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

CautiousKat
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:39 am

Re: Using my kids

Post by CautiousKat » Tue Dec 13, 2011 3:16 pm

You sound exactly like me. I always was the quiet one too and always hated when people would point that out (makes you feel ever more odd when that happens!) Not only did I not know what to say, but I actually felt frozen in my ability to say things at times. I usually had 1 or 2 friends in school and never joined groups or clubs. I still hate introductions and never like the spotlight on myself. I often wonder who will ever show up at my funeral, LOL! My family is what counts in my life and always has. My mom and dad are both gone, and my brother won't speak to me because I inherited their house when my mom died. Things have gotten very sad and stressful for me over the past couple of years, and this makes the anxiety flare up more. I have found myself popping the Xanax a little more than I ever have in the past, but it helps me do more. I am trying to keep the right attitude and fight to show my children that life is worth living to the full extent and to never sit on the sidelines for fear of fear like I have. This pushes me forward, and I hope it will for you also because you sound like a mother willing to do anything for her children and I know you can do it!!! We can motivate each other :D

Kathy

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Using my kids

Post by Iwillbebetter » Tue Dec 13, 2011 3:30 pm

Yes I agree you are so like me!! I know exactly what you mean when you say "frozen at times" I had that happen many times. Where I had something to say, but just couldn't. and yes then when it would be pointed out, that was the worse!! Like we didn't feel "odd" enough, now you have to point it out, why thank you so much, can I run home now :) hehehahah
I never really joined a "group" or "click" either. I also had 1 or 2 people I would really call friends. Then just many associates. I've taken that with me, I also don't like the spotlight in anyway!! I could imagine, with family being so important, then having the lose of your parents (my condolences) and an angry brother to go with it. Over such a silly thing, like it was your choice to inherit the house. I have always "hid" from it, I did go on celexa shortly after having my youngest. I would say things got the worst for me after having both babies back to back (they are 11 months apart) that alone with the hormonal changes one after the other, and the curcumstances weren't the best. But for fear of medication and lack of insurance that did not last long.
I would love to help motivate/support eachother!! :) having so much in common will help a lot with that I think also :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

CautiousKat
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:39 am

Re: Using my kids

Post by CautiousKat » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:58 pm

I will try to check in every day I can to see how you are doing, and we'll try to support each other through the tough times. I can honestly say that we think a lot alike. I'm sure I am older (I'm 47), and I have 2 grown children along with an 12 year old daughter who keeps me motivated. I'm at such a crossroads in life with the loss of my mom after her car suddenly accelerated and she ended up driving full speed into the woods to avoid hitting anyone else. She broke her neck and mangled her arm really bad. I took care of her at my home for 2 months before I watched her die in the hospital from an infection. It's a long story, but she was the other half of my heart and there is a huge hole there. We did everything together, and I helped her through many health scares in the past. That is why she wanted to leave me the house -- to reward me for being her best friend and being there for everything. My brother lives out of state and has never helped out. At first after she died I was numb for a while, but I think the numbness has worn off and I just REALLY miss her now. Anyway, we all have our tragedies and I count my blessings for the wonderful times I had with my mom and I try to do what she would want me to do if she were here and able to talk to me. That gives me strength. My 2 older kids are growing up and getting ready to move on, and that's incredibly hard also. I just so glad to still have my 12 year old to give me a reason to get up in the morning.

Let's face another day with the attitude of "Bring it on anxiety!! I'm doing this anyway!!!!" Sitting at home on the sidelines of life just isn't living and isn't an option. Right? Talk to ya soon!

Kathy

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Using my kids

Post by Iwillbebetter » Wed Dec 14, 2011 6:11 pm

Sounds like a plan to me. I'm pretty good at getting on here everyday. :) Yes you are older.. I'm 31. But that's ok.

That's an understandable crossroads to be at!! Over the past few years I have become quite closer with my mother. I hate to even think of life without here!! I haven't really lost anyone that close to me yet (knock on wood) that I think is a wound mainly time has to heal!! I think getting it out helps to so good job. I bet even that was hard to type!! I would probably try to "fill" my time a little more also, seems when I have more time to "do nothing" the more my mind will wander.... maybe now it's settng in, becoming more of a reality. I don't know.

If I was your mother I would have wanted to leave you the house also. It's to bad that your brother doesn't have that understanding. I could see something like that happening in my family. My sister can be a VERY jealous person in that matter. (she quite often gets jealous of things mom does with our 12 year old brother, because when she was a kid....)
I'm sure you still feel the guilt of that, as I know I would. Please don't though. I know he is upset about it and that is hard, but YOU did nothing wrong. There is no reason for him to be upset with YOU. I would think he's more hurt that it was left to you and he probably doesn't understand why or something of those sorts. The best I could say is try not to think about it to much, although I'm sure that is also easier said than done.... (I know for me it is :))

I could imagine it's gotta be hard having the 2 moving on. that probably gives you a little of that "empty nest" feeling. I know I have many times already dreaded the day my kids are grown and ready to move out. Like I have to worry about that anytime soon. I know how I feel just thinking about it, so I could only imagine how you feel. I know when my oldest moves out I will be mortified even having the younger ones still there. (well at least I would be now, I will be better by then and more able to deal)

Well I had a GREAT moment this morning with the negative to positive. I posted about it under triumphs and session 3 :) was VERY proud though. It's great to having these moments give me more and more umph to do it again and again what a feeling. I don't think I've ever felt so good about doing something, much less something so simple.... well that seems should be so simple at least.

Yes "bring it on!!! I'm doing it anyway!!" NO MORE sidelines!!
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

CautiousKat
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:39 am

Re: Using my kids

Post by CautiousKat » Thu Dec 15, 2011 10:38 am

Thanks for really taking the time to read and respond so well to what I posted! I'm really impressed by how you really "get" the positive self talk and how it can transform your day! When we classify ourselves as "victims" of the anxiety it leaves us helpless to it I think. For a while I was making myself believe that I had once again developed this "setback" and then I had this lightbulb moment where I decided it was only a setback if I truly believed it was! I tell myself I am making a conscious decision to not give in to it and that I am taking back control, and it truly helps.

I think I am just so stuck because my brother is the only sibling I have, and he won't communicate with me at all. It's hard enough missing my mom every day, but to also know my brother (and his wife and 5 kids) all don't want to be a part of my life anymore. You're right -- I did nothing wrong! My mom wanted to leave me her house. It was her decision. I just wish she would have written him a little note explaining why she did it and that it wasn't because she didn't love him! I'm assuming she just thought he would understand. I need to work through these hurt feelings about my brother, but it hurts on a daily basis. I'm getting to the point where I am so mad at him for abandoning me at a time we could have supported each other. Anyway--enough about that!

Let me know how your luncheon goes (if you haven't already had it). Remember "bring it on" and let's live our lives for our kids (and maybe even ourselves)! My anxiety began when I was about your age. Here I am at 47 and still dealing with it. Don't do the same thing. You can't get those precious years back! It's not too late for me either!

Kathy

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Using my kids

Post by Iwillbebetter » Fri Dec 16, 2011 12:03 am

Hey you don't have to thank me, what you say matter to :)
It's funny the 1st time I tried the program, the positive self talk or positive anything for that matter, just didn't click for me. I didn't seem to get it at all. I had the hardest time figuring out my negative thoughts. They tell you all these feelings to look for, but 1/2 the time I didn't even really know what I was feeling... Since I think I have come a little more "in touch" with my feelings so it's a little easier to see, and I seem to have these "light bulb" moments as I like to call them or realizations. I finally had mine this time around. I read this book I picked up at the library one day when I took my oldest.... it's called don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff.... and in the book he basically said something along the lines of, you can't have a feeling without first having a thought!!! Don't believe try, try to get mad, without first having a mad thought, try to get sad, without first having a sad thought, try to be happy without a happy thought etc. That was my "light bulb". That also caused me to look back at things and then I REALLY saw the negativity I have/had and WOW. Really I almost lost a great man. Probably the best man I could/would ever have, and a lot of it was because of my negativity!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: I just read further into your post and saw your lightbulb comment - guess I'm not the only one that uses that.

Yes I've had/felt those set back moments and in the past given into them, more so than not. That is part of what got me to somehow stop going forward with the program before.I agree on making the decision not to give into it. That has helped me a lot also I have to remind myself that somedays quite often!!!! I don't think I could do it without remembering that!!! :)

I read your post before work, but didn't have time to respond, but I was actually thinking about it at work today, and I was thinking, would he possibly read a letter if you wrote him?? Maybe you could write him a letter kind of explaining the relationship that you and your mother developed. And the time and effort you put into caring for her is why she left you the house. Of course she loves him she just felt that was the "right" thing to do?? I don't even before when I was working on "speaking up" I had trouble doing that with my boyfriend so a few times I would write him a letter and leave it for him before I would go to work. (he is sleeping, I put kids down for naps and go on days I work) then he would also have time to "take it in"
Just a thought. I couldn't imagine. I have "issues" with my sister, but I have always figured she is family you just deal with it. I will learn a new method, but couldn't imagine not having her in my life. (I do also have a brother but as he is only 13, so I'm more like an Aunt than sister) I know what you mean. I can be like that especially with things like that. My mom was just not speaking to me not long ago for almost a month. Crazy thing is to this day I still don't know why. But anyway we are talking again so I am not going to let that bother me, but I am going to work on changing the way that relationship works also. :)

Well I have already been trying to think of reasons why I can't go. Tomorrow kids and I will be visiting with the woman whom invited me to that church thing the other night. (I also haven't been going to this church long) She has a couple kids also, we actually went as a family to dinner once before, and I had the same feelings, but had a great time. So I'm going to try to remember that and be sure to have a good time. :)

It's funny, I feel the same way actually, I'm 31, but looking back I don't really remember a time I didn't. Crazy thing is I've only tried once in my whole life (not to say I have had thoughts, scary though not like real) but at like 7-8 I attempted suicide. Anyway... NO I'm living my life from here on out for me and for my kids.... (Can't teach kids to live theirs if we can't live ours!!!)

I hope you had a good evening.... Happy happy joy joy :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

CautiousKat
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:39 am

Re: Using my kids

Post by CautiousKat » Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:25 am

We really do think a lot alike because I did write my brother a letter saying pretty much what you suggested. I really poured my heart out and told him exactly why mom did what she did and that it wasn't that she didn't love him. He never responded to it. He doesn't respond to any communication I try to have with him, but I have decided it's his choice and there is nothing I can do about it. He's trying to punish me, and he's doing a good job at it. The anxiety has been a lot worse since all this started with him. I guess I need to accept and move on, but it's so hard. I just never thought it would happen to us!

This morning was not a good drive to my daughter's school. I started feeling panicky again, but I rode it out and I am trying not to let it sideline me. I guess I need to allow myself to feel this way right now with everything going on in my life. I am just soooooo tired of it!! My oldest daughter has her college graduation today, and maybe that is what had me worked up. I am excited, but I hate life changes, and this means that she'll be moving on soon!

I know what you mean about figuring out negative self talk. We all do it or we wouldn't have anxiety. I read somewhere that if you have anxiety you are living in the past or the future but not in the present moment. The past is gone, and the future is a blank slate. It's so true. The problem I had when I was doing the program was writing down the negative thoughts. How many people can just pull out a little notebook and write down thoughts right as they happen? That never worked for me. I just try to make a mental note of what I am thinking when I am feeling anxious.

You and I are so much alike as to the way we think and have the same fears! We both would do anything for our kids, and that's something to be proud of. Go to your church thing and have a great time. I want to hear all about it! I was really sad to read that you attempted suicide at 7 or 8. That is heartbreaking to feel that way at such a young age. I remember being that young and feeling worthless and insignificant compared to everyone else. Always the shy, quiet one in school with maybe 1 friend. Always felt different and not as pretty as everyone else. I feel sad for that little girl. I think I still am that little girl! (another lightbulb moment!).

Hope your day is going well today.

Kathy

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