Guilty as Charged

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CrazyinCleveland
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:33 pm

Guilty as Charged

Post by CrazyinCleveland » Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:59 pm

I'm trying to use humor, but really this isnt funny. I don't know what to do, maybe you all can help.

I have been going through the program, but I can't stop these obssessive thoughts and my guilt...no matter what I do. The source of my guilt comes from a family situation. I have spent quite some time as a college student to better the lives of myself and my son. However, now he is exhibiting some disruptive behaviors in school that I attribute to those days and nights I spent studying. I've always felt some sort of guilt like I was a bad parent, because I wasn't able to devote all my time to him the way I wanted to when I had IMAGINED how things would be as a parent. I know it is probably ridiculous because I've made sure he was always in a healthy and safe environment, and he's in a good school system.

Things did not work out between his father and I, because his father is not emotionally stable. For quite some time his father has been out of the picture, however I keep my son surrounded by positive male family figures. But my son is just as sensitive as I am. When he was two and he asked why his dad didn't come any more to pick him up from day care like all the other daddy's I told him "well sweetie your father and I aren't together anymore like the other mommies and daddies but we still love you." He cried and that just broke my heart to pieces.

I've always managed to keep a cheery disposition so my son wouldn't know about the pain, and anxiety this situation has brought me. Now that he is older I can't hide it anymore. I dont sleep at all at night. Maybe 3 hours continuous if I'm lucky. I began to notice he is starting not to sleep all the way through the night too.

I feel guilty for chosing such an inept person to be his father, I sometimes thought maybe I overreacted to the times when he said he did want to see him, but deep down I knew it was just a ploy to get back at me for leaving him. I wasn't going to have him use our son as a pawn. I have nightmares about this, I think about this everyday, I think that I caused my son some emotional pain that he is acting out now, I blame myself for not being more vigilante in my selection...and I am going to pieces mentally. Can anyone lend advice?? I'm lost.

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Guilty as Charged

Post by Iwillbebetter » Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:12 am

Crazyinclevland, If you keep working this program I think it can help you. May I ask how far you've gotten? One of the things I would suggest is to really sit down and re-evaluate your situation. You think you have not been a good parent?!?! 1st thing you did as a GOOD parent is to get out of a relationship that was not good for you. It is better for your child to know you were strong enough to do what was right for the both of you. Unfortunately you can't control the father and his being in your son's life (This is also a HARD lession I had to learn) But you can control how/what you do about the situation. When my son use to cry about his father not coming around anymore. It did BREAK my heart. I would explain to him that his father LOVES him very much. He is not not mentally grown enough to be able to share that love at this time etc... Then we would sit and list all the people in my son's life that do love him. (I think it helped me to feel a little better so see all the wonderful people I had surrounded my son with.) By the end he was smiling and happy as could be.
As for your son now starting not to sleep, I would guess that might have more to do with you. You are his number one teacher right now and he is learning sooooo much from you. More than you could know. How you deal with things and handle things he is learning also. Believe it or not, as much as we try to hid it and put on that "happy face" for our kids. Although they don't know what is causing it, they know when we are not "ourselves" they can sense these things. I think the more you work on yourself and threw this program the more you will see your sons sleeping and things get better also.
This is my 2nd time in the program I almost made it 1/2 way before. The changes in me were amazing but what was even more amazing what the way I saw how it affected my children (mainly my eldest son).
You are a good mother!! Everything you wrote says that, you just need to see it more clearly!!! *I know that is easier said that done, I still have many doubts myself. I try to remind myself of all the wonderful things I have done for him when I start thinking of how bad of a parent I am. and I look at him and say I guess I couldn't be that bad, as he would be a lot worse (causing trouble, getting bad grades etc...) When you start feeling bad and guilty you have to try to stop that and think of the positive. The more you do this the easier it will get and before you know it it will just be natural :)
I hope my insight has helped some.

** Wishing you and your son the best of luck **
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

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