Guilty as Charged
Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:59 pm
I'm trying to use humor, but really this isnt funny. I don't know what to do, maybe you all can help.
I have been going through the program, but I can't stop these obssessive thoughts and my guilt...no matter what I do. The source of my guilt comes from a family situation. I have spent quite some time as a college student to better the lives of myself and my son. However, now he is exhibiting some disruptive behaviors in school that I attribute to those days and nights I spent studying. I've always felt some sort of guilt like I was a bad parent, because I wasn't able to devote all my time to him the way I wanted to when I had IMAGINED how things would be as a parent. I know it is probably ridiculous because I've made sure he was always in a healthy and safe environment, and he's in a good school system.
Things did not work out between his father and I, because his father is not emotionally stable. For quite some time his father has been out of the picture, however I keep my son surrounded by positive male family figures. But my son is just as sensitive as I am. When he was two and he asked why his dad didn't come any more to pick him up from day care like all the other daddy's I told him "well sweetie your father and I aren't together anymore like the other mommies and daddies but we still love you." He cried and that just broke my heart to pieces.
I've always managed to keep a cheery disposition so my son wouldn't know about the pain, and anxiety this situation has brought me. Now that he is older I can't hide it anymore. I dont sleep at all at night. Maybe 3 hours continuous if I'm lucky. I began to notice he is starting not to sleep all the way through the night too.
I feel guilty for chosing such an inept person to be his father, I sometimes thought maybe I overreacted to the times when he said he did want to see him, but deep down I knew it was just a ploy to get back at me for leaving him. I wasn't going to have him use our son as a pawn. I have nightmares about this, I think about this everyday, I think that I caused my son some emotional pain that he is acting out now, I blame myself for not being more vigilante in my selection...and I am going to pieces mentally. Can anyone lend advice?? I'm lost.
I have been going through the program, but I can't stop these obssessive thoughts and my guilt...no matter what I do. The source of my guilt comes from a family situation. I have spent quite some time as a college student to better the lives of myself and my son. However, now he is exhibiting some disruptive behaviors in school that I attribute to those days and nights I spent studying. I've always felt some sort of guilt like I was a bad parent, because I wasn't able to devote all my time to him the way I wanted to when I had IMAGINED how things would be as a parent. I know it is probably ridiculous because I've made sure he was always in a healthy and safe environment, and he's in a good school system.
Things did not work out between his father and I, because his father is not emotionally stable. For quite some time his father has been out of the picture, however I keep my son surrounded by positive male family figures. But my son is just as sensitive as I am. When he was two and he asked why his dad didn't come any more to pick him up from day care like all the other daddy's I told him "well sweetie your father and I aren't together anymore like the other mommies and daddies but we still love you." He cried and that just broke my heart to pieces.
I've always managed to keep a cheery disposition so my son wouldn't know about the pain, and anxiety this situation has brought me. Now that he is older I can't hide it anymore. I dont sleep at all at night. Maybe 3 hours continuous if I'm lucky. I began to notice he is starting not to sleep all the way through the night too.
I feel guilty for chosing such an inept person to be his father, I sometimes thought maybe I overreacted to the times when he said he did want to see him, but deep down I knew it was just a ploy to get back at me for leaving him. I wasn't going to have him use our son as a pawn. I have nightmares about this, I think about this everyday, I think that I caused my son some emotional pain that he is acting out now, I blame myself for not being more vigilante in my selection...and I am going to pieces mentally. Can anyone lend advice?? I'm lost.