Not the wicked stepmother...

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lisaniebla
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:00 pm

Not the wicked stepmother...

Post by lisaniebla » Sat Jul 02, 2011 4:29 pm

hi! i am a step mom to two very great kids. i also have two great kids of my own. part of my anxiety involves when they come over and my house is not clean. i am not a neat freak my any definition of the word, but i do feel a great deal of anxiety if people come over and stuff is all over the place in my house. my house has a tendency to end up in disarray or just STAY that way. it is disorganized, chaotic, in disarray. there is also the general discomfort/embarrassment i feel if ANYONE comes over and my house looks like a hurricane hit it. i don't like it when anyone comes over if my house is not together because if others see that you are not treating your own space respectfully, the human tendency is just to do the same. i don't think anyone intends to disrespect my home, but it just ends up being a lot of barking and complaining with the step kids are here. if i am not barking, then i want to and end up stressed out because i am not!

i also have issues with their coming and leaving and how that impacts my own household. there is no visitation schedule which has both its benefits and problems. one problem is that i often feel taken advantage of in terms of the summer or whenever they decide to come. i am a teacher so i am off during the summers. most summers either the kids are with us or they visit their family out of state. i never really know when they are coming or when they are leaving. i have grown in some ways because i just make plans for my own kids and if the stepkids happen to be here, but cannot be involved in whatever i have planned for my own kids, i have resolved to let that go. there are a lot of things that they get to do that my kids don't get a chance to do also. but it bothers me because the kids should not have to be in the middle like that and i know that at some times there must be some hurt feelings involved somewhere along the way. there is just no way to plan if i have no idea when they are coming OR how long they will be here...

i realize that much of this is my own bending of my own boundaries. my husband works alot so the kids are all usually left in my care. he just makes me feel like i am being wicked if i say "i've had enough... i am ready for them to go home now" or "no, i am not really in the mood to deal with ALL the kids right now". they are not very helpful with my battle to organize my home (nor should they be-- they did not make the mess), and it is often quite a battle to get them to pick up after themselves which ends up making more work for me. my husband and his ex-wife really need to get it together in terms of communication. they don't really tell each other anything so there are never any plans. most importantly, i have got to step things up for myself. the only person that anyone can blame for being a doormat is themselves. just gotta figure out how to do it. any ideas?

real stressed
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Jul 03, 2011 12:22 pm

Re: Not the wicked stepmother...

Post by real stressed » Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:34 am

You are not the wicked stepmother. I understand that as a teacher you are used to having organization and planning as a ritual. But, when summer comes and there are no absolute schedules, your anxiety will peak. I have learned on my days off, you do have to bend and be there for all of the children. You must learn to be spontaneous and not worry so much about whats clean or picked up. If the children are old enough, you can sit them down and tell them if they get somethig out, they must put it away before leaving the house. And have come to terms with most things don't go as planned, but to be there emotionally for the kids is key. When you are off work for days or even months,you will have anxiety, but can learn to just go with the flow. Remember, kids will remember mom being relaxed and doing fun stuff, but will take on your anxiety if it remains. I do however recommend telling your husband what days would work best for you. Realize it is YOUR need for organization..and not your kids. Best regards. Have a wonderful summer!! They will be back in school before you know it!! This has come with much work!

lisaniebla
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:00 pm

Re: Not the wicked stepmother...

Post by lisaniebla » Wed Jul 06, 2011 12:00 pm

real stressed wrote:And have come to terms with most things don't go as planned, but to be there emotionally for the kids is key. When you are off work for days or even months,you will have anxiety, but can learn to just go with the flow. Remember, kids will remember mom being relaxed and doing fun stuff, but will take on your anxiety if it remains.
wow, thanx, real stressed! you are very right about that. i have to consistently remind myself that they WANT to be here. they could easily walk away saying "that place is a dump! she's so slovenly... i am NEVER going back over there", but instead they always want to come back. and they do like to spend time with me, not just their dad. they do like that i love to do "the fun stuff". i also agree about them taking on my anxiety unless i prevent that. i will try to keep it all in perspective. u also hit the nail on the head about the anxiety with long breaks. i always feel like i have to get the whole house perfect! but as the program teaches, that is me CAUSING anxiety for myself. i really appreciate your reply very much. thanx for being the voice of reason! :D

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