seperation anxiety and deppression from children.

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johnny77
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Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:00 pm

Post by johnny77 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:08 pm

Im a single divorced dad. When my children leave back to their moms house I get really deppressed and dread them coming and going because of the anticipation of the deppression that may come. Any one else troubled with this?

Paisleegreen
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Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:23 pm

I get that with my children just leaving for an errand. They are grown, but one still lives at home. But it happens with all of them, when I think about it. More so though with the youngest. They all live close by.

I guess I have good reason, as I was the last to see my late son before he took his life. I think that might be close to losing your children through a divorce. You really have no control of when you will see them again, when you think about it. Which I guess that is part of being anxious.

johnny77
Posts: 21
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:00 pm

Post by johnny77 » Sun Dec 26, 2010 5:13 am

Thanks for your responce. I'm very sorry about your son. Ive divorced for sometime know. Years in fact. I was always able to cope with the kids coming and going quite well untill latley. I think I just grew tired of it and wish they didn't have to leave. I know I can't do anything about it and actually I have a really good situation with them. So I really don't go that long without them. I think i'm just super sensitve and falling into a major deppression made it much harder to cope with. So what do you do when you miss your children. I know their grown so it's probably a little different.

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Sun Dec 26, 2010 2:03 pm

Good Question--I pray for them and about me missing them. Just by that act alone, make me feel better and I feel calm. I do have one that still lives at home, he is college age. We've had a few struggles...I think for control...it has been quite the transition having him turn from a high school kid with his nose in the books or computer and no dating, to a more assertive young man, where Mom isn't as important anymore.

I understand what is happening...I just don't like changes, I don't like growing older and I don't have as much say or control with his life.

So I've been working on being patient and working w/DH and my therapist. So eventually there will be a happy medium between, DS, DH and I. Since we all aren't going to see eye to eye.

I am one of the lucky ones that I do see my children a lot. But they aren't the same person they were as chidren or teenagers. They are always changing as they age and life experiences gives them hardship. These are normal growing pains they have to endure as we do for ourselves. So it definitely is an ongoing process. ;) Not easy...as you know all too well.

I really think this website is very helpful along with Lucinda's CDs, her book and other books. I think posting here has really been very beneficial to me. It helps to read what others have posted and being able to post some of my thoughts and frustrations.
:) Paislee

johnny77
Posts: 21
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:00 pm

Post by johnny77 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 3:08 pm

Thank you, thats very helpful. I like this website also and will be using it alot.

johnny77
Posts: 21
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:00 pm

Post by johnny77 » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:35 pm

The kids are pretty much all ive know for the past fouteen years. Not only have I been a dad but they have been like my best little buddies. I know it's time I make some time to make freinds and socialize to help take my mind off the kids.When they are gone.

David Gudgel
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:56 am

Post by David Gudgel » Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:40 pm

How do you guys handle your kids leaving home. I mean it's killing me. I suffer from depression and anxiety and when they come home it's wonderful. However, when they have to go, I go into this melancholy. I think about growing older with not much time left and I dwell on being lonely all the time. this Christmas has been especially difficult. I need help.

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:43 am

Hi David--I know what you mean, it has been like that for me as each kid leaves. Then we all have a wonderful Christmas Day together, and I'm lonely. We just feel their good sweet spirits, and it gets lonely when they are gone.

When I was feeling the lonely feeling the other day, it reminded me of when I was a teenager and my older sister would come to visit w/ her children. I became an Aunt at a young age. Anyway, after her family would leave, I would just feel the quietness of our house and commented that to my Mother.

I was at the tail end of the family, so as each older sibling left home, I could really tell the difference. It is that way today as when my own children leave along with my Grandchildren. Even though they just live within walking distance.

I have found that doing volunteer work has helped me somewhat. But it is always nice to have your own loved ones around during the Holidays and special occasions. Unless you have loved ones that aren't loving...

I hope you are doing okay...I know it is hard. :) Paislee

shawnalv
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 6:28 pm

Re: seperation anxiety and deppression from children.

Post by shawnalv » Fri Mar 09, 2012 12:10 pm

This is something I struggle with all the time - my son going to his father's to visit. I don't begrudge the visit and contact. I try hard to make sure they have a good relationship (I think of activities for them to do together, etc.). But right now, I'm barely handling the every-other-weekend visitation. this summer, visitation switches to a full week on and a full week off. I'm really scared about how i'll handle so much time alone. As it is now, I typically just lay on the couch and watch tv and try to not think. I also drink too much - anything to help the time pass. I've signed up to volunteer again at the battered women's shelter here, so I'll have something productive to do on some of the nights he's gone. I've joined a few MeetUp groups - but haven't mustered up the energy and ability to join any of the outings yet. My son is turning 9 next week, and I just adore him. I've definitely made the mistake of making him the center of my world. And now that center will be gone every other week, for a whole 7 days at a time. This pending "doom" is also why I signed back up for this program. I started it four years ago, and felt so much better. So much better, that I slacked off around session 5 or 6 and stopped doing it. This time, I"m not going to stop, no matter how much better I feel. I need to end this anxiety and depression. I'm being a terrible mother to my son; I feel I'm so one-dimensional. I used to do things with him, used to be so enamored with watching his brain work and him growing. Now, I barely scrape by making dinner for him. He deserves so much better - and I"m going to give it to him again. I'm going to work this program, I'm going to get better, and I'm going to be an engaged mom again, plus an interesting person who has friends and interests.

johnny77
Posts: 21
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:00 pm

Re: seperation anxiety and deppression from children.

Post by johnny77 » Thu May 31, 2012 12:19 am

Hello, its been a long time since someone posted on this topic. Thank you!
Going from every other weekend to week on week off is a big transition for you. I tottaly understand how you feel, and understand your fear of having too much alone time without the kids. Also i understand what you mean when you say the kids are the center of you universe.

My kids who are 10 and 15 years old have been the center of my universe for a long time, especially after i divorced 7 years ago. The time i spend with them seems like a flash sometimes. They are here and then gone. When they leave I feel empty inside, especially because I live alone.

I have my kids for two days then two days off then the weekend. The following week I only see them for two days and 5 days off total and so on.

To help with the emptiness i feel when they are gone ive kept my self busy and try to enjoy some me time to relax, recharge and then when they come back i apprietiate them so much and have such quality time with them. i also am very active in their lives when they are not with me. For example, theyt play sports and boyscouts so i go to all their functions and get to see them on my off days sometimes, even if its for a few hours. Its such a blessing.

The time im away from them completly though, i go to the gym and take care of my physical body, and go to church and bible studies to excersise my mental self as well. So I have a battle plan to help with my lonliness. Im also in a relationship and get to spend time with my girlfrieind when my kids are ahway. I also see a therapist who helps

So basically keeping active and enjoying some relaxation helps.

Im glad your getting involved in somethings and urge you to continue that.
As far as drinking, well if your depressed, drinking needs to stop because that wont help, it just makes things worse. Maybe a little drinking while socializing if you can handle that with out over doing it, but when alone at home, probably not good.
I quit drinking altogether for alot of reasons, one being that i fell into a deep depression and was diagnosed with hypomanic bipolar. So no more alchohal for me. I do just fine with out it.

If the father of you children is involved their life and wants to take on more responsibility sharing equal time, thats a good thing even though it takes some getting used too. I sometimes wish that i had my kids all the time but am very greatfull that they have a mother who loves them equally and she deserves to have them as much as i do. Its the best we can give them when in a situatuion like this.

You also mentioned that you need to re connect with your kid. This would be the greatest opportunity to do so.
Now that he's gone half the time you can work on you, work on you depression and stay commited to this program and any other positive setting that helps you. Your condition is part the reason you disengaged from him. Depression can do that to people. When comes he home you can be recharged and ready to go, you can apprietiate him more since he's not their all the time and spend good quality time with him. Look for all the positives that can come out of this.

Remember it takes time to change and heal so be patient with your self. If I can do it(someone who suffers with depression myself among other things, you can do it!

I hope this helps. Keep in touch to let me know how your doing when all this happens :D

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