Parenting is SO HARD!
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workingfool
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2008 5:46 pm
Why is it that I feel guilty about not spending more time with my children. I have started a new business with a new partner, and all I get is grief from my children on how I am always working and never spend any time with them. Yes, I spend time with them, we do homework 3 out of the 4 nights they have homework, but I don't have time to spend FUN time as they say. I am always working, should I cave to this, and reconsider what my priorities should be? Or should I just start to make a small effort of once a month doing "something fun". Why do I let my children and my husband make me feel guilty. And do I feel guilty because I feel that it may be true? I have been having such anxiety attacks and major depression on starting this business and my partner has also not been understanding of my time that I do take off for picking up my children from the bus. I feel as though everyone is just pulling at me and I just want to quit everything, I want to FLEE. But I know that is not the right thing to do, because while it may make me feel better for the time being, the problem will still be there. I am only in my second week, and I hope that I will be able to deal with all of this very quickly, it seems as though I can't get through this course fast enough before my life falls apart before my eyes. Somebody please just slap me around, knock some sense into me. Because I obviously don't have it at this time. At this time just a fool signing out
It is completely natural for a working mother to feel guilty. Even though it is 2008 there are still so many pressures that go along with being a mother and a wife. Add entrepreneur to that and you have the recipe for anxiety!!! Your children may not think you are spending that much time with them now, but when they grow up they will have fond memories of mom sitting down doing homework with them. That's what moms do. We are not buddies, we have a responsibility to them, but it's not always entertaining them. It might help to schedule a day of fun every now and then, but they need to realize that you have a life to and that some separations are healthy and necessary. It's part of becoming independent. Good luck, my little guy tries to make me feel guilty all the time. Thank goodness I just started week 9 which is all about guilt.
ANGELS CAN FLY BECAUSE THEY TAKE THEMSELVES LIGHTLY
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Guest
Workingfool,
It's tough being a Mom! Lucinda does talk about that in Session 9 - how her daughter tried to push her buttons too in a partiocular incident. They can do it!
My daughter is 21 (next month) and my son is 11. Time flies. I think it's awesome that you are starting a new business and I would never tell you to put aside your dreams for your children...children need role models too!!! However, they also don't need parents who don't model enjoyment and relaxation to them either.
You are only on week 2 and you said you hoped this would hlep you quickly. As Lucinda says...you didn't get this way in a day - you can't get over it in a day either (paraphrasing - sorry Lucinda!
). Give yourself a break on that one. We all want to "get better quick" - what we need to do is get better fully. It will happen.
I think planning a fun day or fun event is a great idea. It gives you all something to look forward to. Whatever you do - try not to break it though - things happen out of our control, but kids just don't see things the way we do! Your fun doesn't have to be DISNEY WORLD sized either! It can jsut be a crazy dinner - like everyone picks their favorite thing and that's what you eat that night (just a side note: have Tums on hand for adults - LOL)...or movies and popcorn in the dark in the livingroom (turn off the phones!)...or playing in the park...whatever. Don't make it too complicated - that will put too much pressure on you! Also - give yourself permission to ENJOY the day and the time with them without thinking about other stuff...job, bills, whatever.
I heard someone say once that it has never been heard at a funeral, "Oh gee...I wish so and so had gone to work more." Don't feel guilty about doing work during work time...but don't feel guilty about having enjoyable times (doing homework or having fun...or doing chores!) with your family during those times either.
Hang in there, sweetie! Good times - they's a-comin'!!!
Blessings,
Dawn
It's tough being a Mom! Lucinda does talk about that in Session 9 - how her daughter tried to push her buttons too in a partiocular incident. They can do it!
My daughter is 21 (next month) and my son is 11. Time flies. I think it's awesome that you are starting a new business and I would never tell you to put aside your dreams for your children...children need role models too!!! However, they also don't need parents who don't model enjoyment and relaxation to them either.
You are only on week 2 and you said you hoped this would hlep you quickly. As Lucinda says...you didn't get this way in a day - you can't get over it in a day either (paraphrasing - sorry Lucinda!
). Give yourself a break on that one. We all want to "get better quick" - what we need to do is get better fully. It will happen.I think planning a fun day or fun event is a great idea. It gives you all something to look forward to. Whatever you do - try not to break it though - things happen out of our control, but kids just don't see things the way we do! Your fun doesn't have to be DISNEY WORLD sized either! It can jsut be a crazy dinner - like everyone picks their favorite thing and that's what you eat that night (just a side note: have Tums on hand for adults - LOL)...or movies and popcorn in the dark in the livingroom (turn off the phones!)...or playing in the park...whatever. Don't make it too complicated - that will put too much pressure on you! Also - give yourself permission to ENJOY the day and the time with them without thinking about other stuff...job, bills, whatever.
I heard someone say once that it has never been heard at a funeral, "Oh gee...I wish so and so had gone to work more." Don't feel guilty about doing work during work time...but don't feel guilty about having enjoyable times (doing homework or having fun...or doing chores!) with your family during those times either.
Hang in there, sweetie! Good times - they's a-comin'!!!
Blessings,
Dawn
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Guest
Thanks all of you for your support, and helping me to put things into perspective. I need to hear your thoughts to help me change the way I am feeling (and thinking). I just feel so overwhelmed from the new business and the old struggles, that I wonder how long can I keep this up? But I now know that I will be changing my attitude (slowly)
And as Jimmy says "Changes in latitude and changes in attitude, nothing remains quite the same". That's what I am shuting for! (thanks dawn) Jimmy's a favorite around here! I just gotta get through this!!
And as Jimmy says "Changes in latitude and changes in attitude, nothing remains quite the same". That's what I am shuting for! (thanks dawn) Jimmy's a favorite around here! I just gotta get through this!!
workingfool,
It sounds like you are really addressing the issues you are facing head on, which is good. Positive action is always better than stagnated anxiety!
Just remember to take time out for fun...for your sake and for the kids!
That is my favorite Jimmy Buffet song, by the way! I was so pleased you recognized it! It's so true...everytime I go to the beach - or any direction SOUTH (:)) I can feel the change!
Have a great day!
Blessings,
Dawn
It sounds like you are really addressing the issues you are facing head on, which is good. Positive action is always better than stagnated anxiety!
Just remember to take time out for fun...for your sake and for the kids!
That is my favorite Jimmy Buffet song, by the way! I was so pleased you recognized it! It's so true...everytime I go to the beach - or any direction SOUTH (:)) I can feel the change!
Have a great day!
Blessings,
Dawn
Hello and Happy Easter all,
Parenting...........I have seen sides of myself that I never wanted to show for the last yr or so-I am Mom-and everything to my 14-almost 25-yr old son. His Dad-the love of my life died almost 6 yrs. ago. It was suddenly and my son and I were blind-sighted-I always thought I would be the one to go 1st. After-all I was taking good care of my husband! I on the other hand have had so many health issues since our son was about 4 that I even went so far as to keep everything in order for them for when I finally left this world! I have been doing the hamster wheel thing for about 4 yrs. and I am so tired! I can't today tell anyone why-ut-oh-there's that bad word-but, this program-on step 3-is helping me.I am hoping it will help my son also-he is a straight A student-has so much going for him-but his anxiety level is so high.He started throwing up in the mornings on the way to school before my husband died. We usually had to pull over on the way to school-it was heart breaking-but he has had one on one counseling-a load of meds that would scare the daylights out of me-he isn't taking any of them now.He reacted badly to most of them. I keep a nerve med on hand for really bad times-but he hates to take it- My daughter-20 yrs. and 1 day older than him has already started counseling sev yrs. ago and is working on her anxiety-she grad college magna cum laude-and has so many jobs related to her career-that she stays physically sick. I am hoping she will be home for Easter-we are trying to plan on it!-know how that is-here we are myself, my son and daughter on the wheel! God help us-I found this program-when I wasn't looking.
Since my son was 4-I have been dealing with Fibromylagia and all that comes with it-and osteo arthritis.It is progressive and little is known about how to treat it. I don't take high powered pain meds I have a son to raise alone-I mean alone-my family all live away from here-a good thing actually-but when I am in a flair it would be nice to have someone to help out.
I wish everyone could see my house now! People used to say they would eat off my floors! I bet they wouldn't now! My son is a very demanding kid-he has always been that way. But, in my younger yrs. I could juggle so much better-I was 38 when he-a miracle-was born. I went through 4 hrs. of surgery just to be able to have him.And here we are. I also have a colostomy for almost 2 yrs now. After a perforation from diverticulitis-the surgeon called my family in-but I made it and even made it when I had to go back in for more surgery because of another leak. Since the last surgery I have been back in the hospital 3 times for emergencies related to the surgery. MAN-I am so happy to be here. I should be anyway. I look like a deer in headlights! I am shell-shocked I guess.
I didn't want to make this a long intro-so I think I have just about covered what is happening in the present time.
It's time to mean my son at the bus-something I don't really have to do-he makes me! hahahaha
So, I will close for now.
Here's to recovery and to Lucinda Bassett.
Blessings, Deb ^J^
A good thing about having Fibromyalgia is...
it's made "bed head" fashionable!
Parenting...........I have seen sides of myself that I never wanted to show for the last yr or so-I am Mom-and everything to my 14-almost 25-yr old son. His Dad-the love of my life died almost 6 yrs. ago. It was suddenly and my son and I were blind-sighted-I always thought I would be the one to go 1st. After-all I was taking good care of my husband! I on the other hand have had so many health issues since our son was about 4 that I even went so far as to keep everything in order for them for when I finally left this world! I have been doing the hamster wheel thing for about 4 yrs. and I am so tired! I can't today tell anyone why-ut-oh-there's that bad word-but, this program-on step 3-is helping me.I am hoping it will help my son also-he is a straight A student-has so much going for him-but his anxiety level is so high.He started throwing up in the mornings on the way to school before my husband died. We usually had to pull over on the way to school-it was heart breaking-but he has had one on one counseling-a load of meds that would scare the daylights out of me-he isn't taking any of them now.He reacted badly to most of them. I keep a nerve med on hand for really bad times-but he hates to take it- My daughter-20 yrs. and 1 day older than him has already started counseling sev yrs. ago and is working on her anxiety-she grad college magna cum laude-and has so many jobs related to her career-that she stays physically sick. I am hoping she will be home for Easter-we are trying to plan on it!-know how that is-here we are myself, my son and daughter on the wheel! God help us-I found this program-when I wasn't looking.
Since my son was 4-I have been dealing with Fibromylagia and all that comes with it-and osteo arthritis.It is progressive and little is known about how to treat it. I don't take high powered pain meds I have a son to raise alone-I mean alone-my family all live away from here-a good thing actually-but when I am in a flair it would be nice to have someone to help out.
I wish everyone could see my house now! People used to say they would eat off my floors! I bet they wouldn't now! My son is a very demanding kid-he has always been that way. But, in my younger yrs. I could juggle so much better-I was 38 when he-a miracle-was born. I went through 4 hrs. of surgery just to be able to have him.And here we are. I also have a colostomy for almost 2 yrs now. After a perforation from diverticulitis-the surgeon called my family in-but I made it and even made it when I had to go back in for more surgery because of another leak. Since the last surgery I have been back in the hospital 3 times for emergencies related to the surgery. MAN-I am so happy to be here. I should be anyway. I look like a deer in headlights! I am shell-shocked I guess.
I didn't want to make this a long intro-so I think I have just about covered what is happening in the present time.
It's time to mean my son at the bus-something I don't really have to do-he makes me! hahahaha
So, I will close for now.
Here's to recovery and to Lucinda Bassett.
Blessings, Deb ^J^
A good thing about having Fibromyalgia is...
it's made "bed head" fashionable!
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Guest
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Guest
Hey Deb!
Bless your heart! What a tough row to hoe that you and your family have. It sounds like you are all perfectionistic to a degree. It's easy for people to say "Lighten up" to something like that, but unless they've experienced it - it's just not that easy!
Even though it's bee a few years since your dear husband passed away, I think you all may still need to grieve. There is no set time limit on things like that - some people can just get over and on with things faster than others...tkae the time you need and don't be hard on yourself! So what if you can't eat off the floors...it's nicer to eat off plates anyhow! Ha ha.
I pray that this program will continue ot help you and your son...and maybe your daughter! It's a wonderful resource as are these boards...full of lots of pepole experiencing similar things and with loads of encouragement and assistance...even if it's just giving you a virtual hug and a prayer for a better day.
Hang in there!
God bless,
Dawn
Bless your heart! What a tough row to hoe that you and your family have. It sounds like you are all perfectionistic to a degree. It's easy for people to say "Lighten up" to something like that, but unless they've experienced it - it's just not that easy!
Even though it's bee a few years since your dear husband passed away, I think you all may still need to grieve. There is no set time limit on things like that - some people can just get over and on with things faster than others...tkae the time you need and don't be hard on yourself! So what if you can't eat off the floors...it's nicer to eat off plates anyhow!
Ha ha.I pray that this program will continue ot help you and your son...and maybe your daughter! It's a wonderful resource as are these boards...full of lots of pepole experiencing similar things and with loads of encouragement and assistance...even if it's just giving you a virtual hug and a prayer for a better day.
Hang in there!
God bless,
Dawn
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Guest
HI Dawn,
A best friend all through my childhood is Dawn.I just love the name. Her Mom used to put the embroidered big D on all her clothes! hahaha she was a yr older than me and I got alot of her hand-me-downs. Even PJs with the big D!
I see you are in NC-so am I. I was raised here.I have lived a few other places but always ended up right back in the Blue Ridge Mnts. This little town is so remote we just got caller ID about 7-8 yrs. ago! It's a retirement town-my husband was raised here. I haven't had the heart to move out of this town since he died. I did sell and move but stayed here. I can't leave him. I lost him but I can drive to the cemetery. He was my love-forever-we met late in life-middle 30s-we loved each other so much together for 11 yrs. Caleb was 8 when he died. He was well known and loved here by alot of people who have become my family. They all help us out but you know how it is-they all have lives etc. I know to call on them but I don't anymore than is neccessary. I did have one meltdown about a yr ago-hahahaha that I actually "shared" hahaha It is so nice -although I would not wish this on anybody-to read your post. I notice as I type that I don't have to explain-or beat to death what I am doing here-you know already.
My son is home now-my next big deal is to start making him walk home from the bus-one reason I moved was to be closer to school-with the FMS/osteo and IBS and now ostomy my days are very unpredictable-mornings are esp. ruff with my pain on the scale being a 10 when I wake-up. The fog from the FMS keeps me from being able to drive until afternoon on most days. His walk home is really short-I think he should walk home-but-then the guilt trips start-he comes in so tired-and out of breath-intended to make me feel guilty. Then he goes into his day. Lately I have shown him some real anger-I feel so out of control-he is taller and alot stronger than I am-but he knows when he has pushed me too far. It ain't pretty. I can remember comparing my Mother to other Moms-but I would have never told her that. He does. He tells me how much more his BF Thomas' Mom does for Thomas.
Greiving was sort of put on-hold for me as the 1st 2 yrs. after I spent my energy on my son's trips to therapy and all of his grievances. I even homeschooled him for awhile so he didn't have to face school! His counselor was the reason he went back to public school-that was a big help to me.
Well, it is time to move around here a bit. I hope your day is good. Bless you for talking to me. I will check back.
Peace,Deb ^J^
A best friend all through my childhood is Dawn.I just love the name. Her Mom used to put the embroidered big D on all her clothes! hahaha she was a yr older than me and I got alot of her hand-me-downs. Even PJs with the big D!
I see you are in NC-so am I. I was raised here.I have lived a few other places but always ended up right back in the Blue Ridge Mnts. This little town is so remote we just got caller ID about 7-8 yrs. ago! It's a retirement town-my husband was raised here. I haven't had the heart to move out of this town since he died. I did sell and move but stayed here. I can't leave him. I lost him but I can drive to the cemetery. He was my love-forever-we met late in life-middle 30s-we loved each other so much together for 11 yrs. Caleb was 8 when he died. He was well known and loved here by alot of people who have become my family. They all help us out but you know how it is-they all have lives etc. I know to call on them but I don't anymore than is neccessary. I did have one meltdown about a yr ago-hahahaha that I actually "shared" hahaha It is so nice -although I would not wish this on anybody-to read your post. I notice as I type that I don't have to explain-or beat to death what I am doing here-you know already.
My son is home now-my next big deal is to start making him walk home from the bus-one reason I moved was to be closer to school-with the FMS/osteo and IBS and now ostomy my days are very unpredictable-mornings are esp. ruff with my pain on the scale being a 10 when I wake-up. The fog from the FMS keeps me from being able to drive until afternoon on most days. His walk home is really short-I think he should walk home-but-then the guilt trips start-he comes in so tired-and out of breath-intended to make me feel guilty. Then he goes into his day. Lately I have shown him some real anger-I feel so out of control-he is taller and alot stronger than I am-but he knows when he has pushed me too far. It ain't pretty. I can remember comparing my Mother to other Moms-but I would have never told her that. He does. He tells me how much more his BF Thomas' Mom does for Thomas.
Greiving was sort of put on-hold for me as the 1st 2 yrs. after I spent my energy on my son's trips to therapy and all of his grievances. I even homeschooled him for awhile so he didn't have to face school! His counselor was the reason he went back to public school-that was a big help to me.
Well, it is time to move around here a bit. I hope your day is good. Bless you for talking to me. I will check back.
Peace,Deb ^J^