Borderline Personality Disorder

drg · Post by **drg** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 5:02 pm

My daughter, 25, has just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She and I are going to the same Psychologist. He told me that I did not have this problem--just anxiety. My daughter is reading a book about the subject, I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME. In the chapter that she's on right now, the book blames the mother's behavior for the child developing Borderline Personality Disorder. Has anyone heard of this or know anything about this disorder? I certainly hope that I did not cause this for my daughter. I know that her life has not been a picturebook life. She was raised with a lot of abuse all around her--mental, verbal, physical, emotional, sexual and other. She was treated very badly by her dad. She also has Turner's Syndrome, which brings about many problems of its own. I would appreciate any thoughts or info.
Thank you.

blueskies4me · Post by **blueskies4me** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 5:10 pm

I have not heard that its caused by the mother, but rather that its caused by growing up with abuse. You should read the book so you can learn about it too.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 5:15 am

There is a very good book called Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified (An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD) by Robert O. Friedel, MD. This book is very helpful I have read it and it has helped me to understand my own mother a great deal. Another great book for BPD is Stop Walking on Eggshells (taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder). I hope these books will help you. In therapy I just recently discovered that I grew up with a mother who had definite traits (although undiagnosed) of BPD. These books were very helpful. I hope for you and your daughter that they can be helpful too. Any mental illness is hard to live with but i truly believe that BPD is one of the hardest because of the manipulation issues that go along with the disorder. The best advice I can give you to help your daughter is to stay calm and make her feel as secure as possible. Let her know that you love her and when she pushes you away as hard as it will be leave and when she lets you in cherish every moment and make them the best moments so that when the bad moments come you can remind her of the good and how much you love her. Staying calm and secure is the best approach. If she should become manipulative or angry remember some of it is because deep down inside she is insecure and scared. Lots of reassurance. You will as a mother be tired and exhausted emotionally but just remember how precious that little girl who is now a woman was when she was a baby and how your love for her as become stronger. Everyday that you struggle your daughter struggles too. BPD is not easy and I wish you both the best of luck! Hope I helped

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 4:52 pm

Thank you both for your responses. I appreciate everything you both said.
I bought the book I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME today. I saw the other books that were mentioned from rose_thorn98 at the bookstore as well. I plan to purchase more books as I can.
Today, my daughter saw our Psychologist and she mentioned what the book said about the mother's influence on the child developing this disorder. He said that he was going to have to "look a little closer" at my diagnosis now. Hmmm... Wonder what he'll come up with for me.
Anyway, yes, I am supportive of my daughter. We did not have a good relationship for a number of years. She moved out when she was 18, leaving me a letter saying how horrible a mother I was, married her boyfriend 10 days later and divorced him four years later. All through that time, we didn't get along well. But, we're getting things worked out now. I have tried to get her into the Program for a long time; to no avail. There's got to be something that will help her. I hope that she can find it and get through it. I try to help whatever way I can.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 30, 2008 6:40 pm

make sure that you are with a doctor or therapist which specializes in the disorder and its management - it is very important since there may be days where your daughter may have some more difficult issues- another book to read may be surviving a borderline parent by kimberlee roth and freda friedman phd, lcsw - i just bought it and read it and it may helpful too - good luck hope all works out for the best

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 10:10 am

Hi. As a therapist who has certainly administered my share of evaluations (psychometrics) during my career, I want to say "ditto" to your other very good replies here. BPD can be a catch-all diagnosis. Any time this disorder showed up on evaluations I administered, the doctors who ordered the evaluations ALWAYS re-evaluated within about a six month period. Why? Because a person's life events can sometimes cause false ranges, and after intensive therapy, those range scores can change drastically. Never think of something like this as a life label. Take care of yourself and keep an open POV here. Kind regards.

Malikye · Post by **Malikye** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 11:50 am

My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but the medications aren't working and she is so manipulative that sometimes I think it is borderline personality. She is 29 and has a 6 year old child. She is married and her and her husband have been evicted from 3 houses in the past year and are now living with me for the past 6 weeks. We have rearranged our house to give her some space and my grandson his own room. She is due with another child in June which has certainly complicated the medication issue.
She is so out of control at times and manipulative of her own child. It breaks my heart and when I intervene she is so angry and hateful to me. But I can't leave it alone - at times she does apologize and seem caring and then the behavior cycles back.
Reading these postings has helped - I know that others are dealing with the same things.
Any advice for a grandmother protecting her grandson?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 3:19 pm

I have a 17 year old daughter who has also been diagnosed with BPD and bi-polar. She has been hospitalized 5 times in the last 5 years. Our struggle has been terrible and totally disruptive to our household. I am a single mom with 2 other kids. My youngest (8) is now suffering from anxiety issues due in large part to our stress dealing with this disorder. My daughter has seen several psychiatrists and therapists, been on many meds. Nothing seemed to work. I have been told that the most effective treatment for BPD is DBT (Dialectic Behavioral therapy). We have attended groups, but my daughter refuses to keep attending.

Does your daughter believe she has a problem or is she blaming everyone else around her for her issues? Is she blaming her son?

I feel your pain.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 12, 2009 7:58 am

Drg,

I have read and experienced a lot about BPD due to a family member who suffers from it, and I'm very sorry to hear that you daughter has been diagnosed, because it's a very difficult disorder for both the sufferer and the family around them.

The disorder has a key element of abandonment in it, it's most often diagnosed in women, and a majority of them have been abused - often sexually - as children. I guess that because the mother is so important to a small child, the abandonment issues are most often tied to her.

Dr. Marsha Linehan has done some groundbreaking work on treating BPD, but the success is completely dependent upon the patient wanting to get better, acknowledging the diagnosis and working hard for a long time.

However, this psychologist that you both are seeing, is having a HUGE conflict of interest! The statement he made to your daughter about having to look at your diagnosis again, is - if it is actually true that he said it - extremely inappropriate. I would strongly recommend that you both find other - and better - therapists, and not see the same person. Your daughter is already using the therapist to boost her claims that you are to blame for her problems, it seems like. Regardless, she should not even have the opportunity to do so, and that's why the therapist should not have agreed to be seeing both of you at the same time.

Best wishes!