Advice?/staying married for the kids

Nicholene · Post by **Nicholene** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:25 am

I come to the StressCenter.com often to read posts and give advice when I can. Because of the program I have pulled myself out of a deep depression and can now control my panic attacks. Huge sucess for me. I have had many triumphs, for instance I am now working part time and my relstionship with my kids is excellent. All 4 of them. I was on the phone talking to my mother and came to the realization that I might want to get divorced eventually for reasons I will not go into detail about here. This realization has caused a huge panic attack, I am using my breathing right now my hands are shaking and Im calming myself down. I am really scared and worried I am going to go back. I have been doing so good and Im scared because I dont know what to do. I thought I was strong but thinking about how to go through with a divorce and not go through all the P&d again. I want to love my husband again but the stronger I get the more I realize he isnt good for me. He brings me way down and I have had to work extra hard to be in this good place I have been in for over a year now. I dont know what will happen except I will do right by my kids. Not sure what that is yet except keep work very hard not to break down. I am so much better but today feel like Im on the edge of a slight breakdown. Thanks if your reading this.

*D* · Post by ***D*** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:41 am

hi,
reading your post i can see that you are going through alot and i was wondering if you had gone through the program.if you are considering a divorce let me say this and it what i think.if he is mistreating you and being violent that is one thing. if he is commiting adultery then i would say yes.but only adultery is something that i got a divorce for and i stuck in there and it will tear the kids apart and ruin their lives. they can sense that you and he are at odds.what they need is love from both of you.you can read my profile and it will let you know how i over came all the odds that were stacked against me.if you would like to private message me feel free.and i will listen to anything that you have to say and know that you are not alone in this.if you get a chance go and talk to a pastor and ask him for advice.tell your husband that you and he need to sit down and talk things over.if that helps then you are on your way.please let me know how you are doing.i cone here from time to time to uplift others and i can feel your pain. take care and be blessed.
don
here is my emaill if you would like to talk.
doninva23605@yahoo.com
thanks for listening.

Nicholene · Post by **Nicholene** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:49 am

yes I finished the program last Aug/sept. No PHYSICAL abuse and no adultry. I read your profile and I began to cry when I read the part about your new relationship that said"live a christian life and can talk about anything" two of many things missing for me. I would love either one of those things.(I am achristian alone with my kids as much as I can lead them by myself) I really am too upset right now to think anymore but when I do calm down maybe I will PM you. Thnks so much

*D* · Post by ***D*** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:57 am

thanks,
it takes both to do this and let me say that sometimes is hard to do.i know that you are upset right now but in time you will get through this.remember that you can live a christian life and if you get involved in church and take the children then its a big start. sometimes when others see that we are doing something that changes the way we feel and the way that we think then they want some of it too. that was a thought that just came to me.take care and hang in there and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
don
I can't do it but, HE can

Nicholene · Post by **Nicholene** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:29 am

*D* and Hawaii, Thanks for your "listening" I picked up my kids from school and am feeling a little better. Sometimes expressing how you feel at a bad moment helps so much. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me one way or another and I will get through it. Hawaii I think thats great that you were able to talk to your husband. I hope I can do that too, Im not ready yet. I have alot to sort out and maybe talking to my minister is a good idea. I went to the church 7 years ago for advice and prayer and know that prayer does work. I just feel so alone and its hard to imagine being married and being so lonely at the same time. Its nice to have friends here. Hugs Nicki

Nicholene · Post by **Nicholene** » Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:31 am

hawaii, That is exactly how we are living right now. I have given up the fight. I dont want to dump my problems on anyone as to how I got to this point. That is why I did the program, to get myself out of depression and the anxiety attacks that it was causing me.I fixed me.(for the most part) I really am stronger, and happier too. Its funny how I still have bad days because Im so lonley in my marriage but the power of being able to deal with the stress of this marriage is whats keeping me going, The joy from my kids and my new job. I fell like Im moving forward with out him. Thats why I dont know if we are going to get through this. It didnt fix us though just me. I dont think my husband likes my new strength. I really do hope you and your husband work things out for you and also to give people like me hope. Thanks for sharing, your friend Nicki

drg · Post by **drg** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:15 pm

I'll just quickly throw my two cents worth in. For staying married just for the sake of the kids is not the way to go in my opinion. I stayed in an abusive marriage for 18 years because I didn't believe in divorce and because of the three kids. I found out, though, that this was wrong. It sends the wrong message to the kids about what marriage is all about. Also, if there's abuse involved, they pick that up, too. I threw my husband out for abuse in December, 2000. He filed for divorce in March of 2001. The divorce was final in May of 2002. The whole separation and divorce process was very anxiety and depression producing. But, with the Program and counseling, along with a lot of prayer, I got through it. My kids are doing well and I'm doing a lot better, too. Because of a lot of life events that have occurred recently (oldest son in Afghanistan, youngest son in college, empty-nest, lost job, new job, etc.), I am going through the Program for the fourth time and seeing a Psychologist as well. But, I'm doing very well with both and seeing a lot of improvement. I am finally understanding a lot of things that I didn't understand about the Program before. My life is SO MUCH BETTER these days. Be strong. Take care.

Nissi · Post by **Nissi** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 1:14 am

Are any of u still out there, I would like to hear how u are doing?

Shifrah · Post by **Shifrah** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 1:59 am

I know this post is about a year old, but I wanted to throw in my 2 shekels and chime in.

I think unless there is an abusive situation, it would be wise to stay together for the kids.

It is one thing to show the kids that it's not healthy to be in an abusive relationship, that is totally understandable.

But if you are experiencing normal disharmony in a marriage that can be improved with both party's attempts, then it is certainly worth saving the marriage. Marriage is a lot of work and there's no perfect one, we all experience our highs and lows.

Divorce really affects kids in a bad way, so we need to be careful about moving forward in the healthiest way - you will be so glad you did.

Celyon · Post by **Celyon** » Wed Sep 16, 2009 8:21 am

Hello Everyone,

I have just read all the responses to Nikki. The main thing I got from her post is that her husband brings her down and makes her feel bad about herself. Now even though he may not abuse her physically, emotional and spiritual abuse is just as bad if not worst.

I know the Bible counsels married couples to stay together, but at what cost. Our heavenly Father wants us happy and whole in our service to Him. If we are depressed and feeling worthless I don't believe our Father wants that for us.

Nikki only you know if you can survive in this marriage. The final decision is up to you. But remember you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else and you must be a role model of love and support for your children.

Maybe, just maybe if you stand firm your husband will bend a little, but if he doesn't get out while you can. In fact since it has been one year I am curious as to how you are doing? Please post a response soon.