Hi Everyone. I have a 12 year old son in 6th Grade at a Catholic School. I do lunch room duty a couple of days a week in order to meet my volunteer hours. One of the lunch moms came up to me and told me that my son spends most of his lunch time alone. Being an anxious person, I started to worry about it and found myself pretty much focusing on how the kids treat him at lunch. Today we went for a walk after school and I asked him what he looked for in a friend. He said, "one that isn't my friend out of pity" and he started to choke up. I held back my tears, but I am crying as I type this. I don't know how to help me. Do you change schools? Do I bring this to the teacher's attention, and if I do, what could she do?
Has anybody gone through this? He is my only child and it is breaking my heart to see him go through this. We have enrolled him in Tae Kwon Do to make friends outside of school, but appears the problem with friendships is in school.
Lisa
Help -My Son Is Lonely In School - How to Help!
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Guest
Hi. I will not start out by saying I can relate b/c my kids are only 2 and 3 but your story got to me. My 3 year old is pretty shy and I see her as an observer in preschool and often not interacting with anyone. It is already hard for me to watch and I feel in my insecure, guilty mom state, that I can see some of my anxiety in her. Is that possible at 3? I don't think so, I just think it's a bi-product of my state and how I view things. I only have two things to share that I intend to work on with her. Not sure that they will help but my analytical side says it probably will. I hope so. One is what Lucinda mentions in Session 3, where I am now: always be hugely supportive and compliment your kids on anything they do. I'm trying to tell her that I am proud of however or whomever she wants to be, an intravert or an extravert. That both types go far and they can do anything they set their minds to. Anything that you think will build his confidence. Practice saying it daily to him. Also, her teacher suggested I get her invloved in as many extracurricular activities as possible (which it sounds like you are) to make her go it alone, make friends and without the help of me. I think if he can make friends outside of school it may help him to make them inside too, no? Let's see what others think but this is what I'm going to try.
I can relate to your problem and my heart goes out to you. I too have an only child, in catholic school, age 13, in 8th grade. My child had issues in the past of not having alot of friends at school. She had friends out of school and was happy out of school. It got so bad that she would get stomachaches and not want to go to school. I did not understand this because she is pretty, athletic, and smart. I'm not saying this because she is my daughter, I have had many people telling me I should put her into modeling. She had the full package so what could be the problem?
Kids can be cruel, and if your child is sensitive he can get hurt easily. We had to work on her self esteem. She could not see the wonderful things about herself. We took her to a professional for counseling because she didn't want to go to school. She had to realize that to have friends, she had to be a friend. She had to approach some kids first.
It is important to get your son involved in activities in school. What are his interests? Have him join something like drama club, sports, chess club, student council, where he can meet kids with similar interests. Where he will feel comfortable talking to other kids, and where these kids can discover what a great person he is.
Now my daughter is a cheerleader, she found her nitch, and has plenty of friends. She has good and bad days, but many more good days.
As far as changing schools, it depends. I know where this has worked and not worked. Is your school so small that his friendships are limited. I friend of mine moved her child because there were only 13 kids in the whole 7th grade. This limited her friendships, you were either in or out. She is much happier in a public school where the group is much larger. I had another friend where changing schools did not work. That is something you will have to decide on your own.
I hope this helped you.
Kids can be cruel, and if your child is sensitive he can get hurt easily. We had to work on her self esteem. She could not see the wonderful things about herself. We took her to a professional for counseling because she didn't want to go to school. She had to realize that to have friends, she had to be a friend. She had to approach some kids first.
It is important to get your son involved in activities in school. What are his interests? Have him join something like drama club, sports, chess club, student council, where he can meet kids with similar interests. Where he will feel comfortable talking to other kids, and where these kids can discover what a great person he is.
Now my daughter is a cheerleader, she found her nitch, and has plenty of friends. She has good and bad days, but many more good days.
As far as changing schools, it depends. I know where this has worked and not worked. Is your school so small that his friendships are limited. I friend of mine moved her child because there were only 13 kids in the whole 7th grade. This limited her friendships, you were either in or out. She is much happier in a public school where the group is much larger. I had another friend where changing schools did not work. That is something you will have to decide on your own.
I hope this helped you.
ATTITUDE -- The mind is like a parachute...it doesn't work unless it's open!!
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Guest
frustratedmom and jam2 -
Thanks so much for all of your kind and helpful words. When I dropped him off at school today, I told him I thought he was the best and I loved him very much. I also told him I knew he was a great problem solver and we would work together to solve his friend problem. Well, he came out of school today, all excited, because he had such a great day. He told me that he approached kids and asked if he could play with them and they said yes. There was even one boy who was still upstairs yelling out the window that he'd see my son tomorrow and told him a joke. The smile on his face was the best.
I used your advice it worked. Again, thank you.
LisaLisa
Thanks so much for all of your kind and helpful words. When I dropped him off at school today, I told him I thought he was the best and I loved him very much. I also told him I knew he was a great problem solver and we would work together to solve his friend problem. Well, he came out of school today, all excited, because he had such a great day. He told me that he approached kids and asked if he could play with them and they said yes. There was even one boy who was still upstairs yelling out the window that he'd see my son tomorrow and told him a joke. The smile on his face was the best.
I used your advice it worked. Again, thank you.
LisaLisa
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Carolyn Dickman
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- Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 3:00 am
LisaLisa, I am so happy for your son! It broke my heart to read your story. You gave him just what the doctor ordered...a good dose of self-confidence and good self-esteem. You probably did more for him than you even realized. I went to a Catholic grammar school to and class sizes are small as others have said. If your son has conquered this struggle, he is a very strong boy.
Keep giving him the confidence and positive solutions. You should be so proud, both of your son and yourself. You have proved to him that he can come to you for advice and that is so important for a child. He's on his way!
Keep giving him the confidence and positive solutions. You should be so proud, both of your son and yourself. You have proved to him that he can come to you for advice and that is so important for a child. He's on his way!
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Guest
Your story really made me sad. I am so sorry that you are growing through this. But look at the bright side. Your son seems like such a bright sweet young man and not a bully or mean kid. My son is only 15 months so I cant give the best advice except my sympathy. I went through this with my neice though and she still has issues with friends. She is 12 and has a hard time making friends. We tell her all the time what a great girl she is and how fun she is to be with. I just want her to grow and have confidence and know that it is great to have friends but she is okay if someone doesnt care to talk to her. And it is them not her. She was bullied really bad in elementry and it makes me (grown women) want to go battle a 7 yr old. LOL
I hope it gets better!!!
I hope it gets better!!!
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Guest
Glowbug57 and Naustin - Thanks so much for your kind responses. Yeah, it is hard to watch someone you love go through a tough time. Today was much better getting him off to school because he had a good day yesterday and I think the fact that his winter break starts today didn't hurt either. LOL.
I can definitely relate, Naustin, to wanting to fight his battles for him. Today going to school he told me that everything happens for a reason and he is just learning from this experience. I am so proud of him. I know he'll find his way and be okay, it's just as his mom, I want to fix it for him.
Thanks everyone.
LisaLisa
I can definitely relate, Naustin, to wanting to fight his battles for him. Today going to school he told me that everything happens for a reason and he is just learning from this experience. I am so proud of him. I know he'll find his way and be okay, it's just as his mom, I want to fix it for him.
Thanks everyone.
LisaLisa
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Guest
Lisa,
I could have written your first letter. I have cried so many times for my daughter who is also 12 and has no friends at school. She is bright and has a great personality and I can't for the life of me figure out why the other kids can't see it. And I like you sat back and watched her one day at school(I was chaperoning a field trip). When we first got there and there were not many kids she was smiling and happy and the more kids that came the more she just slid away and basically blended in with the wood work.
I have gone over everything about how to be a good friend and she says that she is always there when others have problems, but no one seems to care if she has one. I am going to the library tomorrow to see if I can find a book on how to instill self esteem in a child. I already tell her all the things that I have read on here to try and it is not working. I will say though that when it comes to school work she is very confident. It is just the friend thing that she has no confidence.
One example of something that happened to her at school: She was sitting on a bench at recess speaking with another girl when Taylor walked up and told her that Abbey said that she didn't deserve to have friends and that she should be sitting by herself. I asked her what she did and she said that she just said ok and continued talking to the girl. Then Tori came up and said Abbey said that you need to go cry by yourself, just go away from here and cry. She wasn't crying when Tori said this to her. She again said ok and continued talking to the girl. Abbey sent another girl to restate the same things the first two said. By this time my daughter was about ready to cry, then the bell rang to go in. They pushed her to the back of the line and then got in a huddle and started talking about her....you know just loud enough that she would hear them. She never cried and I was really proud of her for that. I just can't understand how some ppl can be so mean. It broke my heart for her. This is just one example, there are many just like this if not worse. It is like they can't stand it for her to be happy.
And like the Naustin said there are many times I would like to go and fight her battles for her....wow, I said that really nice, because nice is not what I feel when I think of them. Any way I hope that everything goes well for your son and if things turn around for him you will have to let me know just what he did to get there. Thanks for letting me vent.
Izzi
I could have written your first letter. I have cried so many times for my daughter who is also 12 and has no friends at school. She is bright and has a great personality and I can't for the life of me figure out why the other kids can't see it. And I like you sat back and watched her one day at school(I was chaperoning a field trip). When we first got there and there were not many kids she was smiling and happy and the more kids that came the more she just slid away and basically blended in with the wood work.
I have gone over everything about how to be a good friend and she says that she is always there when others have problems, but no one seems to care if she has one. I am going to the library tomorrow to see if I can find a book on how to instill self esteem in a child. I already tell her all the things that I have read on here to try and it is not working. I will say though that when it comes to school work she is very confident. It is just the friend thing that she has no confidence.
One example of something that happened to her at school: She was sitting on a bench at recess speaking with another girl when Taylor walked up and told her that Abbey said that she didn't deserve to have friends and that she should be sitting by herself. I asked her what she did and she said that she just said ok and continued talking to the girl. Then Tori came up and said Abbey said that you need to go cry by yourself, just go away from here and cry. She wasn't crying when Tori said this to her. She again said ok and continued talking to the girl. Abbey sent another girl to restate the same things the first two said. By this time my daughter was about ready to cry, then the bell rang to go in. They pushed her to the back of the line and then got in a huddle and started talking about her....you know just loud enough that she would hear them. She never cried and I was really proud of her for that. I just can't understand how some ppl can be so mean. It broke my heart for her. This is just one example, there are many just like this if not worse. It is like they can't stand it for her to be happy.
And like the Naustin said there are many times I would like to go and fight her battles for her....wow, I said that really nice, because nice is not what I feel when I think of them. Any way I hope that everything goes well for your son and if things turn around for him you will have to let me know just what he did to get there. Thanks for letting me vent.
Izzi
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Guest
Izzi - I have to tell you that yesterday was rough again. I did lunchroom duty because I had the day off from work. The winds were too bad so the kids had to stay in for lunch. The 6th grade, my son's grade, was able to go run around in the gym. He went to join a group of boys playing basketball and they told him "you're not playing". He went to another group of kids, same thing. He ended up sitting on the bleachers by himself. One of the other moms went up to a child who told him he could not play and explained to him that exclusion was a form of bullying in our school, which would result in a detention. He, of course, denied everything, but ended up hanging with my son. My son seemed okay with it - this boy used to be a good friends with my son. Like you, I cannot figure out what is going on. I wish these kids could see what a nice boy my son is. He never has anything bad to say to anyone - maybe he is too nice.
Yesterday, driving home from school, my son broke down and cried. He said he is so lonely at school. He said the kids all talk to him during the school day and at the lunch table, but when it is time to play, they ignore him. We are on our winter break from school so he has about a week or so away from the kids at school. He asked if he could leave this school. I contacted another catholic school in our area and they are going to set up a day for him to spend at the school after the break. If he is comfortable, we'll move him there.
Good luck to you on your daughter. I really hope things work out for our kids. Maybe we could PM and brainstorm.
LisaLisa
Yesterday, driving home from school, my son broke down and cried. He said he is so lonely at school. He said the kids all talk to him during the school day and at the lunch table, but when it is time to play, they ignore him. We are on our winter break from school so he has about a week or so away from the kids at school. He asked if he could leave this school. I contacted another catholic school in our area and they are going to set up a day for him to spend at the school after the break. If he is comfortable, we'll move him there.
Good luck to you on your daughter. I really hope things work out for our kids. Maybe we could PM and brainstorm.
LisaLisa
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Guest
Lisa,
Oh, how I hate it for your son. My daughter has asked so many times to switch schools, but I always wondered if that would help. What if she had the same problems at a different school? Would that hurt her more? To think that it was her and not the other kids. I just never knew what to do and still don't. Next year she will be going to a Junior High where all the elementary schools consolidate. I am praying that this will help. If not then we can transfer her to the catholic school in our area, because I can't go through this another 6 years. Sometimes I think I hurt more than she does.
But in the long run, I always tell her that things will get better for her. The same thing happened to my older daughter, she is 24 now, and it really didn't turn around until she was in college, although high school was better. She has so many friends and they are good true friends. So my younger daughter can see that there is hope in the future, but that certainly doesn't help with the present.
Also, my daughter was seeing the counselor at school, who was trying to help her see all her good attributes and boost her confidence.
I am wondering is your son really smart? My daughter is and I was wondering if that may have something to do with it. Also, she is not athletic at all.
If you come up with a solution please keep me posted....You and your son will be in my prayers.
Izzi
Oh, how I hate it for your son. My daughter has asked so many times to switch schools, but I always wondered if that would help. What if she had the same problems at a different school? Would that hurt her more? To think that it was her and not the other kids. I just never knew what to do and still don't. Next year she will be going to a Junior High where all the elementary schools consolidate. I am praying that this will help. If not then we can transfer her to the catholic school in our area, because I can't go through this another 6 years. Sometimes I think I hurt more than she does.
But in the long run, I always tell her that things will get better for her. The same thing happened to my older daughter, she is 24 now, and it really didn't turn around until she was in college, although high school was better. She has so many friends and they are good true friends. So my younger daughter can see that there is hope in the future, but that certainly doesn't help with the present.
Also, my daughter was seeing the counselor at school, who was trying to help her see all her good attributes and boost her confidence.
I am wondering is your son really smart? My daughter is and I was wondering if that may have something to do with it. Also, she is not athletic at all.
If you come up with a solution please keep me posted....You and your son will be in my prayers.
Izzi