Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:54 am
Has anyone noticed how sometimes you will write something to post and it may be kinda long and when you hit post now it just erases what you've written, doesn't post it and you have to write it over? I just wrote this and when I hit post now it disappeared. Anyway here goes.
I am 38 yrs old, a mother of 3, I am on my second marriage and my first 2 kids 18 and 8 are from the first marriage of 16 yrs and my 15 mth old son is from my marriage now, almost 2 yrs.
I was raised an only child by my mother, my father never even knew I exsisted until about 4 moths ago and when I finally found him and called him he denied me. One of the things I have been through this yr.
Growing up we lived with my grandfather who died a couple months ago, another tragedy this yr. Growing up my mom always left me with my grandpa while she was out trying to find me a dad and when she was around she just tried to buy my love, giving me things out of the guilt she felt for not being more involved in my life. I could never go to her about anything that happened in my life and when I tried the response I would get was " If this is going to stress me out I don't want to hear it" it has been like this my whole life. My mom has for as long as I can remember criticized me in every way imaginable, how I act, speak, how I talk to my kids, how I discipline my kids, how I treat my kids and husband, how I think , feel and react to everything and anything. What has happened to me as a result is I am a very anxious person because I find myself second guessing every aspect of my life and how I live it. I can hear my mom after anything I do saying, should you have handled it that way? or you shouldn't have done it like that. It has made me nuts over the years cause all though she praises me for trying to help myself, she will turn right around and criticize me every chance she gets. I have tried many times over the years to tell her how it makes me feel when she does this and she just says " I don't do that, its just you thinking I do". I wish it was just me but I know better. I find myself feeling guilty everyday because my 18 yr old who is now moved out on his own has felt the chain reaction of this and although I am aware of it and have tried not to do it to him its how I was raised and all I know. Except the older I get the more aware of it I am and refuse to do it to my 8yr old daughter or my new son and I am trying daily to not do it to my oldest anymore. I guess I feel so bad because I did put my son through it but whats worse is I have turned him away in the past when he has come to me with stressful situations telling him I couldn't deal with it because I couldn't, I would want to fix it and if I couldn't it would make me crazy so if I just didn't know what it was I wouldn't have to feel bad about not making it better and I should have just listened, thats all I ever wanted my mom to do, not fix everything for me. It amazes me how I can so relate to his life now even though theres a 20 yr difference, I still remember what it was like when I was 18 and I try so hard to make his life a little easier than mine was but like me he is thick headed and needs to find out on his own. Anyway I was just curious if anyone could relate to me on this and if there is I would love to hear about it. Thank You for reading this.....Chrissie
I am 38 yrs old, a mother of 3, I am on my second marriage and my first 2 kids 18 and 8 are from the first marriage of 16 yrs and my 15 mth old son is from my marriage now, almost 2 yrs.
I was raised an only child by my mother, my father never even knew I exsisted until about 4 moths ago and when I finally found him and called him he denied me. One of the things I have been through this yr.
Growing up we lived with my grandfather who died a couple months ago, another tragedy this yr. Growing up my mom always left me with my grandpa while she was out trying to find me a dad and when she was around she just tried to buy my love, giving me things out of the guilt she felt for not being more involved in my life. I could never go to her about anything that happened in my life and when I tried the response I would get was " If this is going to stress me out I don't want to hear it" it has been like this my whole life. My mom has for as long as I can remember criticized me in every way imaginable, how I act, speak, how I talk to my kids, how I discipline my kids, how I treat my kids and husband, how I think , feel and react to everything and anything. What has happened to me as a result is I am a very anxious person because I find myself second guessing every aspect of my life and how I live it. I can hear my mom after anything I do saying, should you have handled it that way? or you shouldn't have done it like that. It has made me nuts over the years cause all though she praises me for trying to help myself, she will turn right around and criticize me every chance she gets. I have tried many times over the years to tell her how it makes me feel when she does this and she just says " I don't do that, its just you thinking I do". I wish it was just me but I know better. I find myself feeling guilty everyday because my 18 yr old who is now moved out on his own has felt the chain reaction of this and although I am aware of it and have tried not to do it to him its how I was raised and all I know. Except the older I get the more aware of it I am and refuse to do it to my 8yr old daughter or my new son and I am trying daily to not do it to my oldest anymore. I guess I feel so bad because I did put my son through it but whats worse is I have turned him away in the past when he has come to me with stressful situations telling him I couldn't deal with it because I couldn't, I would want to fix it and if I couldn't it would make me crazy so if I just didn't know what it was I wouldn't have to feel bad about not making it better and I should have just listened, thats all I ever wanted my mom to do, not fix everything for me. It amazes me how I can so relate to his life now even though theres a 20 yr difference, I still remember what it was like when I was 18 and I try so hard to make his life a little easier than mine was but like me he is thick headed and needs to find out on his own. Anyway I was just curious if anyone could relate to me on this and if there is I would love to hear about it. Thank You for reading this.....Chrissie