19 year old daughter

momgoncrzy · Post by **momgoncrzy** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 2:39 pm

I have a problem and I don't know how to handle it. My 19 year old daughter is living at home, professes to be a christian (which I am also), but is hanging out with people who drink, smoke, and do drugs. She sees no problem with this, tries to tell me she doesn't drink and gets very defensive if I bring it up. I have been told that she is drinking heavy, by people I trust. She has been spending more nights at friends houses than she spends at home. She is not working and gets all her money, gas, personal items from her dad and I. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I don't want to push her completely away, we have always been really close. I feel very close to losing it, and that scares me. I have a really hard time with confrontation. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 4:32 pm

Well I have no expert parenting advice since my son is only 16 months old and I am 24 but I am closer to your daughter’s age and I have done what she is doing so I will try to give you advice on what helped me by my family. I was doing the same thing at that age and my family being there was huge for me. Let her know she can always talk to you. At that age I think most teens go through this (whether there parents are aware or not) If she grew up in a Christian home as did I, she will know what she is doing is wrong for some reason at that age we tend to not care as much. Try to talk to her about it. If you come at her very confrontational it will push her away. Try to set up a mother/daughter time to relax and hang out. Then you can talk to her a little. Let her know you are aware of her behavior and what she is doing. Talk to her about the dangers of some of the things she is doing and that you are only concerned not mad. Tell her you love her and that you are always there if she wants to talk. When you push something it tends to only push someone away if you can talk to her as a loving mom and friend it may help. I really hope this helped you. I am no expert just wanted to let you know what helped me out of that rebellious period. Knowing I had a family who loved me and my religious background was a huge help. My mom left me when I was 10 so my older sister was who was really there for me during that period. Good Luck and stay strong. She really does need you even though she has a hard way of showing it. God Bless!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 6:53 am

Thank you so much for your advice and words or encouragement. I've so wanted to hear from someone closer to her age. I went through the same thing at her age and so I try to remember back to remember what would have helped me. It's just so scary sitting back watching her go through this and feeling helpless. Thank you again:)

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 7:15 am

Hi Momgoncrazy,

I know that you love your daughter. It is probably very tough on you as you have to come to terms with a child that is now an adult. I think that all we can do as loving parents is to have faith and trust that we did a good job in raising our children, and understand that when the reach certain ages they want to test boundaries.

It is hard for us to sit, as we may think, idly by, and watch them make mistakes with their lives and you want them to avoid the mistakes you may have made with your own life. I know it was tough for me. If you try to smother them with love or concern you will be met with rebellion, that is in many cases, I don't know about yours.

They are trying to define themselves, and they have to make their choices, and that is what is so hard for the loving parents. We have to bite our tongues, and pray to God that He will protect them and keep them safe. If or when they fall, we just have to be their to let them know we love them no matter what.

Trust in the upbringing and background you tried to instill in her, and let God take charge, and just be ready to pick up any pieces that may coming a knocking.

You probably know this mantra: Let go and let God. This is a prime one for parents with adult children. Believe me, this is just the beginning, wait till they get married, before it is over with, you might not have any tongue left.

Cast your worries and concerns onto the cross of Jesus.

I tell you like Jesus said to Peter when Peter was asked 3 times, Do you love me? Peter, said Lord you know I love you, but what about him (referring to John the beloved). Jesus told him (Peter) in so many words: Don't worry about him; you, follow me. Keep your eyes on Jesus and leave it to Him. Your yoke will be so much easier.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Mar 21, 2009 3:52 pm

Hey Mom...
Nothing is harder than being a parent. I have 2 grown children 20 and 25. One did go out, didn't drink and always took care of her friends.... the other... well, he was a drinker, never admitted it to his father or I, and we almost lost him to suicide! Sorry to put a bad light on the issue, but it is real with kids.
One suggestion, DON'T LET HER STAY WITH FRIENDS. That is a way to check on her status when she comes home. I am sure you have a curfew. Don't be too critcal on a little extra time, but occasionally, wait up and talk with her.
We raised our kids in a Christian home too. In fact, no alcohol. Peer pressure is tough. And, for girls I do think it is worse.
My son is fine now. he is still finding himself, but I wouldn't go back to 20 for all the tea in China!!
Blessings to you. And warm thoughts.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Mar 21, 2009 6:39 pm

Is it possible to put some collateral damage on her financial resources to see if it sways her direction any? A moratorium so to speak? I am a firm believer of supporting your children both financially and emotionally but I also believe it is a two way street and needs to be earned even at age 19.

Barb G. · Post by **Barb G.** » Sun Mar 22, 2009 1:25 am

Hi all,

I am just laughing and enjoying all the homespun counsel that there is here.

I love Juls line:

I wouldn't go back to 20 for all the tea in China!!

I am rolling on the floor, because I know and remember the grief and pain of our kids testing our boundaries.

I swear, you have to have the patience of Job, just getting from day to day. I raised my kids just as I had mentioned in my earlier post, and thank God, they are all right.

Oh yeah, they made some really big mistakes, but they are older and hopefully wiser, as they suffered through the consequences of their youthful, let's just call them indiscretions.

They all soon grow up, God willing, and you will be blessed with the gift of reconciliation, and the good that brings with it to your heart. It is truly an awesome experience. I think 1 cup of tea from china, is all you will need.

It's all about love and growing in it

ClearSky · Post by **ClearSky** » Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:58 pm

I too have a 19 year old daughter. She is just now finishing up her first year in college but during Xmas break she asked to bring her boyfriend home to visit. I said ok and he stayed with us for a couple of days until she had to return to school. She had met him while attending a college friend's parents' home for a party back in Nov. and I thought that he was just the new romantic interest since she had just finally gotten over the separation with her high school sweetheart of over 2 years once he entered the Marines. Three weeks later she returned with him and he asked me if he could married her. I thought he was talking about sometime in the future once he was licensed as a mechanic and she had her college degree and a job. However, that is not what their plans were. Up until 2 weeks ago, the wedding date was set for this Dec. but I and other family members confronted them and tried to point out the reasons as to why it would be better for them to wait at least a year or more before marrying. The biggest concern was their lack of financial preparation with starting their lives together. I was just told by my daughter two days ago that she is married to this guy and the wedding occurred the evening of her 19th birthday. I wasn't at the ceremony nor even invited and the week before she had called me saying that she needed her birth certificate and social security card because of the school was saying that she and another female student had similar names and information and the documents were needed for confirmation of her identity. I realize now that she told me a big fat lie in order to get those documents in order to obtain her marriage license. I feel so betrayed by her and am reliving a lot of the emotions that I experienced 5 years ago when I discovered the lies told to me by my husband who I divorced once everything came to light and our home had been foreclosed without my knowledge. Her husband, my son-in-law, is really an unknown to me and I feel that he has been manipulating her to where she is willing to give up her own family. I feel that I have lost her and I don't know what to do. I am angry, upset, and very, very hurt. She is my baby and I have had a really hard time with being alone without my kids living at home. Now she has gone and done this. In some ways she is very much like her father and her actions lately seem to confirm this. I fear that for my own piece of mind that I am going to have to cut her out of my life just like I did her father because the pain was too much. I am in counseling right now but my employer only allows 6 free visits before fees must be paid. I have been taking antidepressants for nearly 5 years now and was hoping to be able to finally do away with needing them in order to function. I am praying that by using the program and making use of the peer support group that I will finally be able to change who I am and improve my life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:49 am

I know this is an old thread - but wanted to add that this program will help with saying no and doing things you just don't want to do.

You can tell the 19 year old that you will help her out up to a certain date to help get her on her feet, and that she must find a job to help her pay her share of rent or utilities. If you don't want to take money from her, put her money in an account to give to her later (maybe when she goes out on her own or gets married, etc.) that way she is learning to hold her own, also you are learning not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. This lies on you more than her since it's your home and your money. Remember, she's an adult now.

Also remember, the more you baby her the worse she is for it, you will actually be doing her a favor by giving her wings, assuming she is physcially able to work that is.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Apr 23, 2009 2:17 am

Everyone's comments are wonderful. But I had a little different experience with my children. I admit they were a little older than 19 at the time. I love my children dearly and when they were going through these times I had many teary, sleepless nights. However, I always had standards and rules for my home.

They had to work and contribute a few dollars to the house. This worked for a couple of years and when they were about 20, I just told them it was time for them to be on their own. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I found that I would have died from worry, while they are out having a good time.

My children are now 33 and 26 and recently they both thanked me for making them grow up. We are all very close; we see each other a couple of times a week and we try to do something together at least on the weekend. I can finally say my children are my friends.