It's been over 3mths since my son has talked to me. He got angry when I say "NO' to his moving back in the house. He has alcohol and drug habits that I cannot handle. We fought alot in the past. He is 23 now and I said no more. I had my breakdown in 2005 and I am yet in recovery. I feel bad and I want to hear from him, but he said he has no MOM. People tell me that he lives with relatives here, but he doesn't want to see me. What do I do? My fear is that something bad may happen to him/or me and we never made up. I don't want the end to be like this. I feel powerless and scared. Please reply.
Thank you,
Darla
Advice....Dealing with Adult Children...Help!!!
This is such a tough situation. sigh. My family has dealt with my brother who drank from a young age and still does to this day. Although I do not have the answer your hoping to hear, I can share what I feel could have been different had my parents made better choices at that time. He too was about 23 or 24 when he started to drink heavily. At times he needed a place to stay, at other times money. My parents never did the tough love bit. They chose to enable him to continue this pattern for years to come. He came and went out of their lives and home on many occasions and they became his safety net. It only served to prolong his addiction and enable him to continue this pattern well into his adult life. He is now 42, barely able to stay afloat on his own, and always on the edge of disaster. As an outsider (not the parent here) it saddens me too see how things could have been different had my parents helped him opposed to enable him.
I have children myself now and I would handle things much differently myself. For one, I would not turn them away without a game plan. Intervention is so important. My way or the high way just doesn't work at such a young age. He needs direction. He needs help, someone to put him on the right path. As a parent, I do believe it is our responsibility. I know that this may not go over well with many, but I feel strongly about that. We bring them into this world and when their world isn't perfect and they are young adults, we think it is now their problem and expect them to figure it out on their own. I'm not condoning moving back in, but more so getting him the help that he needs for a brighter future. The approach I would take would be one of understanding where he's at now and asking him where he expects himself to be in the future. He needs to understand where your coming from as well as you understanding him. I wouldn't offer him a free ride as my parents did, but a place to be if he chooses to make some better choices for himself. He's angry now cause he wants what he wants. He can blame and manipulate you (not talking to you ) to get what he needs...I place to stay and a lifestyle that this place would afford him. I would start by offering him help and putting the ball back in his court. Let him make the choice. Like I said, I don't have the answers but I surly can relate. Hang in there.
I have children myself now and I would handle things much differently myself. For one, I would not turn them away without a game plan. Intervention is so important. My way or the high way just doesn't work at such a young age. He needs direction. He needs help, someone to put him on the right path. As a parent, I do believe it is our responsibility. I know that this may not go over well with many, but I feel strongly about that. We bring them into this world and when their world isn't perfect and they are young adults, we think it is now their problem and expect them to figure it out on their own. I'm not condoning moving back in, but more so getting him the help that he needs for a brighter future. The approach I would take would be one of understanding where he's at now and asking him where he expects himself to be in the future. He needs to understand where your coming from as well as you understanding him. I wouldn't offer him a free ride as my parents did, but a place to be if he chooses to make some better choices for himself. He's angry now cause he wants what he wants. He can blame and manipulate you (not talking to you ) to get what he needs...I place to stay and a lifestyle that this place would afford him. I would start by offering him help and putting the ball back in his court. Let him make the choice. Like I said, I don't have the answers but I surly can relate. Hang in there.
-
bevhembree
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 10:44 am
My daughter is only 19, but I cannot parent her anymore and have to treat her as a I would treat any other adult.
She stopped doing her school work, almost didn't graduate, smoked, drank, snuck a boy into her room at my apartment, lied like crazy, ran up my credit card (I know- stupid of me to give it to her), etc. I gave that child everything I had- money-wise, time-wise, advise-wise. She turned on me without blinking an idea. It almost killed me to hear hersay she hated me and would rather have no mother than me. I reached out time and time again, only to have her continue her ways and run away three times. My ex took her in and my folks took her in twice and even encouraged the last leaving.
I've never been so hurt. My parents now support her, and we have let it all go. She comes around sometimes. I continue to wait for the day when she will grow up more and realize that I did what I could and am only human and do have feelings. It's getting better a little at a time.
But when they hit that age, they know more than you, you are stupid and embarassing and uncool. You can only pray for their hearts to soften and for them to come around. You can't control their actions, but you can keep an open door and an open heart.
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone.
P.S. I am so bad to feel some satisfaction b/c my parents blamed her actions on my divorce. It hurt so bad. I did leave her dad, but I had my reasons. What goes around comes around though. On their watch she got a DUI and in two semesters, got 5 "F's" in 8 classes. I hate she did those things, but it opened their eyes in casting judgement on me.
She stopped doing her school work, almost didn't graduate, smoked, drank, snuck a boy into her room at my apartment, lied like crazy, ran up my credit card (I know- stupid of me to give it to her), etc. I gave that child everything I had- money-wise, time-wise, advise-wise. She turned on me without blinking an idea. It almost killed me to hear hersay she hated me and would rather have no mother than me. I reached out time and time again, only to have her continue her ways and run away three times. My ex took her in and my folks took her in twice and even encouraged the last leaving.
I've never been so hurt. My parents now support her, and we have let it all go. She comes around sometimes. I continue to wait for the day when she will grow up more and realize that I did what I could and am only human and do have feelings. It's getting better a little at a time.
But when they hit that age, they know more than you, you are stupid and embarassing and uncool. You can only pray for their hearts to soften and for them to come around. You can't control their actions, but you can keep an open door and an open heart.
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone.
P.S. I am so bad to feel some satisfaction b/c my parents blamed her actions on my divorce. It hurt so bad. I did leave her dad, but I had my reasons. What goes around comes around though. On their watch she got a DUI and in two semesters, got 5 "F's" in 8 classes. I hate she did those things, but it opened their eyes in casting judgement on me.
"Here and happy because of my three little angels- Marie, Chad and Cady."
Hi.
Know how tough this is. Have dealt with the same situation with my adult daughter. She moved away for a couple of years and got hooked...really hooked on rx pain killers...was facing prison time for forging prescriptions....long story short she moved back home and has been here for about 3 yrs...she is now 33...things were horrible there for a while becuase we did exactly what you have had to do: we set limits and made clear what we would not do for her....just killed me to know she was so horribly angry with me or wanted to shut me out...but I promise you...you ARE doing the right thing. His problem is, I am sure, the same my daughter had...a total unwillingness to face any consequences. We had to force her into a situation where she had no choice...she came home....did the dtox thing..and then relapsed...so we started over...she has gone the methadone route to arrest her craving for opiates...she is working...and moving slowly toward being healthy....but I know that this is a day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute situation....it is one of the soources of my ongoing depression and anxiety...which is why I am trying this program.
You have to realize that you are not dealing with a child. He is an adult and you cannot control what he does. That was the single most important thing for me to hold on to. I can tell you, however, that the most important thing with him, as with my daughter, even at their age is still being consistent in how we deal with them.
Stick to your guns. Don't blame yourself for what he is doing. You are doing something that is incredibly courageous....and any other choice only enables him and burdens you.
Don't give up...
JChick
Know how tough this is. Have dealt with the same situation with my adult daughter. She moved away for a couple of years and got hooked...really hooked on rx pain killers...was facing prison time for forging prescriptions....long story short she moved back home and has been here for about 3 yrs...she is now 33...things were horrible there for a while becuase we did exactly what you have had to do: we set limits and made clear what we would not do for her....just killed me to know she was so horribly angry with me or wanted to shut me out...but I promise you...you ARE doing the right thing. His problem is, I am sure, the same my daughter had...a total unwillingness to face any consequences. We had to force her into a situation where she had no choice...she came home....did the dtox thing..and then relapsed...so we started over...she has gone the methadone route to arrest her craving for opiates...she is working...and moving slowly toward being healthy....but I know that this is a day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute situation....it is one of the soources of my ongoing depression and anxiety...which is why I am trying this program.
You have to realize that you are not dealing with a child. He is an adult and you cannot control what he does. That was the single most important thing for me to hold on to. I can tell you, however, that the most important thing with him, as with my daughter, even at their age is still being consistent in how we deal with them.
Stick to your guns. Don't blame yourself for what he is doing. You are doing something that is incredibly courageous....and any other choice only enables him and burdens you.
Don't give up...
JChick
Tullip,
Thanks for your response and words of advice...
The comments you made were things I have already tried. I gave him several options such as school, Job Corps, or to pursue other interests. Clearly he chose to hang around other crowds. I have given this a lot of thought over the past few weeks and I have come to realize that I did offer him a great role model and choices. I have other children which are older and they are doing fine. I think this one just has just made some bad choices and wants to blame me and create guilt in my life. I am trusting God that he will help us through it all.
Thanks for your response and words of advice...
The comments you made were things I have already tried. I gave him several options such as school, Job Corps, or to pursue other interests. Clearly he chose to hang around other crowds. I have given this a lot of thought over the past few weeks and I have come to realize that I did offer him a great role model and choices. I have other children which are older and they are doing fine. I think this one just has just made some bad choices and wants to blame me and create guilt in my life. I am trusting God that he will help us through it all.
OMG I know exactly how you feel! My son is 24 and has a crack cocaine addiction. I have been through living hell with him on top of dealing with my own issues. I had to put him out in the winter time and it nearly killed me. We can only take so much,then we have to start thinking of ourselves and everybody else in our home. We cant let our lives get turned upside down because of their addictions. You should at least have some comfort in knowing that he is staying with relatives. My son was out in the street no vehicle or anything. I used to worry everytime I watched the news and heard there had been a shooting. He is now back in jail and at least I know he`s safe there. When he gets out he`ll be good for awhile then he will head back for the streets. I have learned to accept it. Sometimes you just have to let God handle what you can`t. Good luck to you and your son.
Know that you are not alone! Many good familys have children with addictions,some just hide it better than others.
Know that you are not alone! Many good familys have children with addictions,some just hide it better than others.
My son will be 31 Sat. and still has much growing up to do. Thank goodness he doesn't drink or do drugs. The two of us butt heads all the time (yesterday in fact). He needs a job and is doing some work here. He just got engaged. My friend's son is coming home from jail this wknd. cuz of DWI's. He's also had a drug problem. She says she can't have him home cuz it causes more fights w/her husband. I lay awake thinking of him and also my son. We need work done here. I'm thinking to talk to my husband about sowing seed into these young men. I need to pray more and that includes for my own son. It seems when someone upsets me I stew about it and obviously don't pray. I think the devil uses those irritations/upsets so we don't pray. Maybe if we pray and keep asking God to work in their lives instead of getting upset, their lives would have more of a chance to turn around. Just a suggestion: Pray for him but also go over your assertive skills on your CD and workbook. I too need to be assertive. Are we asking for what we need or want???
-
HeatherRDJ
- Posts: 26
- Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:03 pm
I don't have any kids but have seen alot between my inlaws and friend's siblings. Don't feel bad for standing your ground about him moving in with you. He's an adult and behaving like a child. You did your job.
My "real" motherinlaw was an alcoholic who hid if from her husband and got pregnant by one of their foster children. She told all sorts of lies and almost bankrupted my fatherinlaw. So you think he would have learned his lesson. Nope, his daughter was addicted to rx pain killers for 5 years and hid it from her husband. My inlaws PAID for her detox even though she was like 34 years old and had a good job and two teenagers and a husband. Okay I'm bitter over this because we got practically nothing for our wedding present from them 3 months later. She drank at our wedding and afterward at a bar but told my motherinlaw (step) on the 4th of July that she hadn't had a drink since she got out of rehab.
A year later they gave her a peridot ring for being clean but she really wasn't per her husband and kids. Thing is they are the type of people to never speak bad about someone else. She know supposedly has anxiety and fibromylgia and is on massive drugs for both. She has a handicapped sticker but plays volleyball weekly and her daughter doesn't believe she has either. Her husband finally kicked her out and my mil got her a job living with an elderly lady and taking care of her. Oh she also stole money from her daughter at least twice and the second time was from a bank acct. her name wasn't even on. This whole time my mil and fil are supporting her and completely enabling her. My bil was practically disowned for doing much less in the past.
I think the biggest problem is my sil and mil are 5 years apart in age. My fil is not at all assertive, the whole family avoids conflict at all costs. My husband and bil are just waiting till their sister steals from her employer or my inlaws for them to them to see the truth. People shouldn't be rewarded for breaking the law and behaving like children.
My "real" motherinlaw was an alcoholic who hid if from her husband and got pregnant by one of their foster children. She told all sorts of lies and almost bankrupted my fatherinlaw. So you think he would have learned his lesson. Nope, his daughter was addicted to rx pain killers for 5 years and hid it from her husband. My inlaws PAID for her detox even though she was like 34 years old and had a good job and two teenagers and a husband. Okay I'm bitter over this because we got practically nothing for our wedding present from them 3 months later. She drank at our wedding and afterward at a bar but told my motherinlaw (step) on the 4th of July that she hadn't had a drink since she got out of rehab.
A year later they gave her a peridot ring for being clean but she really wasn't per her husband and kids. Thing is they are the type of people to never speak bad about someone else. She know supposedly has anxiety and fibromylgia and is on massive drugs for both. She has a handicapped sticker but plays volleyball weekly and her daughter doesn't believe she has either. Her husband finally kicked her out and my mil got her a job living with an elderly lady and taking care of her. Oh she also stole money from her daughter at least twice and the second time was from a bank acct. her name wasn't even on. This whole time my mil and fil are supporting her and completely enabling her. My bil was practically disowned for doing much less in the past.
I think the biggest problem is my sil and mil are 5 years apart in age. My fil is not at all assertive, the whole family avoids conflict at all costs. My husband and bil are just waiting till their sister steals from her employer or my inlaws for them to them to see the truth. People shouldn't be rewarded for breaking the law and behaving like children.
Everyone
All of your responses are extremely helpful...I don't hold any bad feelings for my son..I love him and want a healthy relationship with him...I pray for him everyday for protection and that he will come to his senses. I do realize that this is just another tactic to manipulate me into giving him what he wants and allowing him to control me through guilt and fear in order to have a relationship with him. I see this as another opportunity to grow and learn and not panic and fear but use what I have learned through this program and this forum to be a better person. When I see him or hear from him, I will not be critical or judgemental, but loving and caring. I thank God for the truths I have learned and all of you who understand.
Darla
All of your responses are extremely helpful...I don't hold any bad feelings for my son..I love him and want a healthy relationship with him...I pray for him everyday for protection and that he will come to his senses. I do realize that this is just another tactic to manipulate me into giving him what he wants and allowing him to control me through guilt and fear in order to have a relationship with him. I see this as another opportunity to grow and learn and not panic and fear but use what I have learned through this program and this forum to be a better person. When I see him or hear from him, I will not be critical or judgemental, but loving and caring. I thank God for the truths I have learned and all of you who understand.
Darla