irritated by husband, short fuse...

demon-ika · Post by **demon-ika** » Wed May 21, 2008 7:32 pm

I just started the program a couple weeks ago.
My main motivationwas my very very very short fuse. I have 2 kids... I NEED to fix it.
It's usually my husband that irritates me and I feel like we never resolve any of our marrital etc issues then he leaves me, home alone with 2 kids and goes to work.
The things he does and says sometimes make me question his (emotional) maturity and intelligence.
My temper is like lightning! Boom and it's done...and then I feel horribly guilty and depressed. and I thought I was handling it!

I need to fix this FAST. I hope I get to that part of the program soon.

Can I get some help with this sooner??

Providence · Post by **Providence** » Wed May 21, 2008 8:05 pm

I can relate. It seems to me that your temper is just a way of controlling a situation, because you feel out of control and unable to control the way you would like. I think that is how I have acted out at times. It is an illusion of course, because you can't control the temper, nor can you control others with your temper, and instead it is controlling you, and bringing on a host of other bad feelings when you act out, making you feel worse, not to mention isolating you from those you hurt. I would do this to ease your guilt enough so you can take constructive action: write a letter to your kids and husband. Tell them how much you love and appreciate them, and also tell them that you are getting help for your short temper, because they deserve better, and so do you. Then, channel the guilt into action. Do this program, and the relaxation tape should help as well. Take care.

Lyn Mona · Post by **Lyn Mona** » Wed May 21, 2008 10:12 pm

I am dealing with a former partner that was once wonderful and commited to me via his words....now he has turned into a short fused and sometimes violent man....I too have did some actions of anger that I've never expereinced with another. Now I realize that words are so very cheap and actions speak louder. He has even shoed actions of cruelty when things don't go as he expected, his way or NO way......frustrated but still caring for a toxic man ? HELP Lynne Marie

~*schnauzermom*~ · Post by **~*schnauzermom*~** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 6:57 am

He has even shoed actions of cruelty when things don't go as he expected, his way or NO way......frustrated but still caring for a toxic man

WOW that is a tough situation. I have been there myself living with an alcoholic father, then a live in partner. Both had a nice side but the cruelty came out and yes their way or NO way was the only way otherwise I would have a WWIII. I tolerated as much as I could at home, then moved out. The guy I lived with was at first great, but then got mean once we were in an apartment.

If you and the person can work through the situation by talking with one another or maybe getting counseling, GREAT.

If he continues to be mean and violet, how about your safety? How about your peace of mind? How about your security, peace or happiness? Heck I hated coming home and having to fight with him almost daily.He was a control freak too. I had to dress a certain way and if I gained 5 lbs he would call me names. (at the time I weighed 120lbs at 5' 7", working out daily at Bally's so he would not freak) he had things he needed to deal with. I KNEW I just needed to take care of myself. This is NOT selfish. No woman (or man) needs to put up with being treated like trash. Sure the person I was with at the time, I loved him more than anything and knew he had issues, but he was unwilling to change or do anything to help himself.(bi-polar, refused meds, father a well respected cop that had an affair that ruined his parents marriage, wanted to play pro football but was too small so he ended up being an auto mechanic) I was not going to continue being his whipping post for issues he was not dealing with or trying to work through. Sometimes people just need to "be" to figure things out for themselves, to be alone and figure out their needs and issues are. Some figure it out, others continue on the path they choose. Life was not as bad as he made it seem and that is where is anger stemmed from. Just because his dad refused to pay for college, was "talk of the town", his mom was a wreck, he hated his dads girlfriend and that he was not wearing a Seminoles jersey and being a semi pro or pro football prospect did NOT give him the right to take that out on me! Things did NOT go my way either, but I was making the best of what I did have!

Regardless of what the other person does, HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH and do what is BEST for you. Realize that you do have choices here. You may not feel confident enough or strong enough to do anything about it though. This may be low self esteem and confidence. I had to mentally work up to doing it, each day more and more hatred for this person that just treated my like crap grew. I loved HIM, but hated the way he treated me and could not live like that anymore. My mother had difficulty leaving my father after 25 years of marriage...or should I say he having mentally & emotionally bashing her so much she did not even feel like she had the competence to figure out what to do and how to do it. She was so lost and even MORE scared. Yeah, he also tried to hit, but most times he was SO drunk, he'd miss. My father had his own demons to deal with and he used alcohol to deal with them.

Sounds like he is bringing out a side of you that you have never experienced with someone else. I can see how you need to try to protect yourself. I did the same thing on several occasions with the person I lived with. I saw it as assertive/physical aggressiveness I needed to exhibit in order to survive. I did not like it, but at that time it was survival. I lived with this person and did not have anywhere I could turn to as I did not want to burden anyone. Finally something inside triggered me that I was living my moms life. I wanted a LIFE, not just to survive another tongue lashing mental mind game or pushing match, I did not want to argue, I did not want that stress. I got fed up with just putting up with it.

curlygirl · Post by **curlygirl** » Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:49 am

Wow, I am glad I am not alone. I lash out at my husband and son a lot. Especially my husband. He was absolutely different before I married him. He was sensitive and kind. Now he is a royal jerk. Angry and moody, lazy and grumpy.Two months after we married I got pregnant. He was excited. But after we got married he became absurdly lazy. He is such an unemotional jerk. Before he cared about my feelings, now he makes fun of me for being on disability and having anxiety.
I have 2 boys and he is worthless. I wish I could get a divorce. I ask him to leave all the time. His emotional priorities and attachment are to his parents. His parents who didn't teach him how to be a man or a husband. His parents who rarely come to see our kids, but always see his brothers.
If i would have known the way him and his family was, before we got married, I would have never married him. A lot of times, I feel he gives me anxiety because instead of taking some load off of me, he does nothing and laughs at me for having to do so much. I hate the man he has become and I am very unhappy in my marriage. We fight at least 4-5 times a week. I need help. My therapist says not to do anything about it until I am not having anxiety, so that I can make a rational decision.

Looneytns · Post by **Looneytns** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:58 am

Hey, I am living in a very similar marriage as you. I couldn't believe it when I read your post! I have even filled to leave this marriage, but it turns out we couldn't afford a divorce! We also have a child that is very sick with mental illness that causes alot of our fighting for many reasons, & this has gone on for over 10 years. We have both reached the end of our rope many times. I decided to try to pull my family back together no matter what, but the battle is very frustrating. I find myself with my head spinning most of the time when he is home. I try to talk to him in a loving way to teach him how his anger reaction is affecting all of us. Hoping if I can change my negative thinking it will rub off on to my family. Can this work??

beckyl · Post by **beckyl** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 2:55 pm

I think that if you change your way of thinking and have a positive attitude that it can change others attitudes around you. I notice that when I am short tempered with my kids, they are irritable, mean to each other, and hurt each other on purpose. Also when I am upset, my husband is more quick to anger as well. However, when I am calm and rational, my children are a bit more calm with each other, and are more willing to help each other. Also, it takes more for my husband to anger. That being said though, some people will not change their ways no matter how much you change yours. I'd say try and have a positive attitude for YOU, because negatively only drags us down and makes us feel worse. Good luck.

curlygirl · Post by **curlygirl** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:17 pm

Thanks for your responses, I will try, but honestly today I told my husband that it was over. He needed to leave. I packed 3 bags of clothes for him and he left, but with my baby. He texted me letting me know he was at his mother and for the first time in 4 years I am home alone. He asked if he should come home. I told him not to return until he apologizes. I will be shocked if he apologizes but I know he'll be here tomorrow. Suggestions/ Iwill try the positive thing but I can not do that until I get an apology and that I probably won't get.