Grandparents won't let go
Hi- I'm early in the program, and I share custody with my ex husband. I'll be remarrying in November. The problem is, in 2003 I was self medicating with alcohol due to depression and anxiety after an engagement fell horribly through. My ex husband isn't the picture of responsibility, so my parents helped out a lot, and took care of my son when I was sick from drinking. I won't say I don't drink at all anymore, but it's extremely rare and never in my son's presence because I don't want to worry him. My focus now is on this program. my new soon to be husband and trying to rebuild a family. I have my son mon. thru wed. my ex has him wed. night thru friday morning-when he insists on going to his grands and then I don't see him until monday. I think this is terribly unfair. Plus, my new soon to husband is from Holland-a place where we stand to make a better living, that has better education for autistic kids (my 10 year old is autistic), and has socialized medicine-I have a severe spinal cord injury that needs taken care of-here we are on state insurance and I can't even get my kid in for a check up without a 2 month waiting period. My spinal cord injury is such that I am losing spinal fluid faster than I am regenerating it. I still have not been able to find a surgeon who will take this on, and it's very serious. My ex husband has mixed feelings, but is considering moving with us, then applying for work related citizenship, or perhaps explaining that due to my son's autism, he will need to keep a relationship with his father. My insurance covers NOTHING concerning my son's autism while Holland has wonderful, plentiful services for such children at no cost. People are paid a living wage there, in the area we would live in, there is little to no crime (my area in Ca. is horrible but the only place I can afford). My parents do not want us to leave, and threaten to bring up issues from the past-my drinking in particular, if we should try to leave. I just don't know what to do. All of our quality of life would be so much better in Holland, and we'd be financially stable and able to make trips back for visits. Still, they won't let go of their over-time with him here in the States, or consider letting us start over somewhere else without threatening to bring up my past problems in court. I'm only on lesson 3 and not too great with assertiveness. Also, i hate to talk to either of my parents because they are highly critical and just plain mean to me. Since my son has gotten older, he doesn't buy the crap they try to fill his head with about me, but for a long time they did, and it was very hard for my son and I to get to the loving closeness we have now. I'm so sad all the time-anxiety, social panic, depression-all of this notwithstanding, I hate where we live, and I feel it should be up to myself, my ex and my husband to be to make these decisions-not my parents who are blackmailing me with ancient history they're ready to throw at the courts. Please, does anyone have any comments or advice? Thanks-danielle (flynnsmom)
Hi flynnsmom, WOW you've got so much to deal w/! I'm not sure that I have any great answer for you but after sharing all that personal info. I figured it would be very disheartening to not have any replies. Now the only experiences that I have to compare would actually be on the flip side of the situation. So I (not knowing all your specifics) can say that when you depend on someone when things are really bad(your parents) and then expect them to "butt-out" when "the water starts to clear" it really is not as easy as you think it should be. Is it possible that your parents helped out when things were REALLY bad and just because you've started the program and living arrangements seem soo much easier elsewhere--maybe your parents feel sooo involved already(because you used them as a crutch) that their scared out of their minds to know that things might not do a 360 w/ a happy ending and they won't be close enough to help? Of course thinking it could be this and could be that isn't going to help but you DO need to sit down and talk with them. Whether or not you've strengthened you're assertiveness- if you truly BELIEVE you can move away from their HELP then simply being honest w/ them should be enough to prove that you are capable of doing this. If you don't feel like a changed person enough to have this conversation then moving might not be the answer- problems will follow you to another city,state,country if those problems are your own. I know in my situation I stopped "caring" about my sister (who I love to death) and figured "she's a big girl" BUT her daughter...I was frantically called to come to the rescue when things were bad that I felt as though I "deserved" to know what actions were going to follow. When I saw my sister's "vicious cycle" starting to repeat itself over and over I decided to ONLY care for my niece's best interest--- in some situations I wanted to fight for custody of her because I couldn't understand how EVERY decision that was made was made in her best interest-----who knows if this will help but maybe that sit-down and talk will help this all NOT turn into a nasty legal battle! I wish you ALL the luck in your struggles!