Issues with my Dad

cole2458 · Post by **cole2458** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:06 pm

I know this is the parent-to-parent part of the forum, but I thought I'd ask my question here because it's a question TO parents.

I have "daddy issues". My dad suffered from anxiety, depression and alcoholism for a very long time. When I was 2, he left my mom, older sister and me sort of out of the blue. We followed him to Minnesota (we're from Maryland), but my parents decided to get divorced and we moved back. He came back to Maryland the following year. My sister and I used to do the every-other-weekend-and-holidays thing, but we didn't really want to go and he never seemed happy to have us so we stopped going.
Flash-forward to now. I'm almost 19 and my sister just turned 20. Our dad went through therapy and is a much better person than he used to be. He wants to have a relationship with us now, and my sister has been eager to pursue it. I happen to be agoraphobic, so I don't go out with them when they spend time together. My dad wants to be a part of my life too in whatever way he can but my problem is I just can't seem to forgive him. I get really sad and angry and resentful. I think stuff like "why now?" and "what's different this time?" He doesn't seem to acknowledge the past at all. I can understand that he wants to live in the present, but to ignore the fact that he left us and then was so absent for most of my life makes me frustrated. I feel like I need to just vent to him-tell him about how sad it made me to think he didn't want me and how much he hurt me. I feel like I can't move on until he acknowledges that. The problem is I'm terrified to tell him. I'm afraid of ruining what he is now-that by saying I'm angry and upset will make him do a 180 and not want to make an effort any more.

How do I talk to my dad? My therapist said it'd be really helpful to essentially spill my guts to him, but I don't want to come across sounding like I blame him or hate him or anything. I just want to be able to start over and move forward. Any advice?

Mom of 6 · Post by **Mom of 6** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:07 pm

Hi cole. Spill your guts. After all, NOT spilling our guts to people who hurt us is what got most of us in the mess that we're in with anxiety and depression. Talk to him and tell him how you feel, and then deal with what might happen later when it happens. DON'T WHAT-IF. What if your father really has changed, you might be surprised when he listens and not scare you. It can happen. Sometimes people really DO change.

Take care. DeeDee.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:27 am

I have been on both sides of this issue. Here's my advice. Yes, you should tell him. BUT make sure choose your wording carefully. Tell him at the start of the conversation that you want him in your life, but you need his help to resolve some old feelings. Tell him that you understand that he can't change the past, but you need to feel as if he hears you now and understands how you feel about what happened in the past. Then you can go into the specifics as to why you're angry without making him defensive. Also make sure you do this face to face. This doesn't sound like a phone conversation to me.